Run from me darling

Twenty-One

Enough for you-Olivia Rodrigo

And you always say I'm never satisfied
But I don't think that's true
'Cause all I ever wanted was to be enough for you
And all I ever wanted was to be enough for you

CASTIEL

I didn't ruin her. I thought I would ruin her but she ended up ruining me. I thought by having her once, I would be fine but I'm not. I need more. I don't think I can ever get enough of her. I'm terrified I'm going to lose her.

Though she has changed so much and became so much stronger, She is still fragile. We can't destroy each other. We can't. I can't but fuck! I only want her but I'm so scared.

I can't sleep. Two hours ago, when we made love, it was the best thing to ever happen to me and she was right when she told me that sex could be so much more. It was like holding stars. She was my personal night sky and it was unreal.

We are so fucking beautiful together and I'm addicted to that feeling.

I wanted to be honest with her though but I should've said more. I should've told her I will try anything for her but then she would be expecting more and I would be just disappointing her and I don't want that. I don't want to hurt her.

She drives me to the extremes and I will do things that are toxic and that's why I can't make a promise to her. I'm not whole enough. I don't know what I want. I've never had to think of a future with someone. I never saw one and then she showed up offering a future I saw rapidly and I don't know how to catch it and more importantly, keep it.

I rolled out of bed to get a drink of water from the kitchen and I almost shit my pants when I met Johnny at the edge of the steps. I regret giving him a key. Something was wrong, he never comes here unless it is important.

I really can't handle work right now.

"What happened?" He looks at me and then behind me and I turn to see Nina standing at the top. The smile I didn't realize I had faded when I noticed a bag over her shoulder. What was going on?

Please don't let this be what I think it is.

"She didn't tell you?" Johnny questions me and he knows that answer when rage takes over my body. I was confused, hurt, jealous, and lost. Why was she doing this to me? She just told me hours ago that she would be here for me and she was leaving?

"I just need to get away from here for a little bit. That is all, I promise." I didn't believe her.

"Why with him?" I know he likes her. It might just be a little crush but the way he looks at her lets me know that he would already protect her. I hate that she had such an impact on people in just moments of meeting.

"He is someone you trust and this is so that I can still be informed about what is going on. I just need fresh air."

"Bullshit! You just want to get away from me. You're running away from your emotions." I lost it when she didn't say anything.

Why wasn't she fighting for me? For us?

"We just made love and you told me you weren't leaving. What do you call this?" Her eyes go wide. I don't care if Johnny knows. I want everyone to know that you are mine.

"I'm not leaving. I will be coming back."

"This is going to make me spiral. How can you make me sane and insane at the same time? You make me good and bad and it drives me fucking nuts." She put her hand on my bare chest and I couldn't focus on anything but jealousy.

"This isn't about you or us but me." Johnny takes her bag and I wanted to knock him out. His stupid leather jacket and helmet.. Wait, don't tell me he is taking her to his place on that fucking bike. That thing is so unsafe.

"You're not getting on that bike."

Please don't go.

"Don't bash my bike, man." I flip him off before focusing my attention back on Nina.

Getting on that bike might not mean anything to her but it does to Johnny. It is bikers way of showing off who they're fucking but he isn't going to fuck her. I will kill him.

"Please don't go. Can we talk about this? Are you regretting our night together?"

"No. It was the best night for me but this isn't about us, I just told you that. I need a moment away. I think it would be the best for us both."

This won't be the best for me.

"I do want there to be an us but don't ask for something that will end up breaking you apart."

"I know. We are too close right now. I can't be at my best when all I think about is you." I don't understand this.

This hurts too much. It feels like she is taking my heart with her.

"I love being close to you." I know I have lost her. She wasn't going to change her mind about this.

Did she just want to forget about me? Was she the one playing games? She is breaking me apart.

"Don't fucking come back here."

"You don't mean that Cas." I didn't but I was too mad to correct myself. I was hurting and she needed to hurt.

She needed to feel how hurt I was.

"I do. You can still be a part of the bullshit but you can't come back here. You'll really regret it. I'll be fucking every girl I can and you'll hear it." Her eyes welled with tears. I was fucking everything up just like I told her I would.

"Hey, come on man. You don't mean all of this. Just calm down." Oh great, I've had enough of him.

I pretended to turn away to leave before snapping around and punching Johnny in the face. Nina screams. Johnny falls and Nina is attending to him and my hand starts burning.

My head was spinning and I couldn't think clearly.

"Get the fuck out of my house, now." Nina shoves my chest but it wasn't enough to make me move. Her tiny arms were just flutters but I was too hurt to touch her right now. I couldn't even look at her.

I thought things were going good for us but clearly she doesn't think the same.

I don't look back once I make it up the steps. I go to my room before falling on my bed. I can't think. I can't breathe. I can't picture anything anymore without her. I was becoming weak because of her and I hated it.

I don't know why I immediately think of her fucking Johnny. She isn't that type of girl. She doesn't sleep with guys when they give her attention but that is the only thing I can think of.

I trust her. I do and johnny, well, I don't think he would do that to me but he would be stupid not to. I would if I was in his shoes. I'd try my best to get Nina from him if the roles were reversed.

I need to get my mind off of her and him. I needed to drink. I can't turn to the other thing then that would mess it up for us. I'm used to numbing my emotions with sex and alcohol. I don't want to have sex with anyone but her and I don't have her right now.

I looked out the window as she was getting on the bike.

Please change your mind

I need you right now.

I bang on the window to try and get her attention but the bike must've been too loud because she didn't look up. She didn't look back as Johnny drove off.

I feel like I've lost everything.