A Fighting Chance

Fear and Loathing

What the hell is wrong with you woman? I asked myself over and over as I sat in the dark gardens across from the bar. I could see the front door from where I sat, and watched as Tom came out after me. He stopped, looking around in utter panic, his hands on his head, trying to be calm and failing miserably. I couldn't let him suffer, he'd done nothing wrong. It was me.

"Tom" I called out quietly "Over here." he stopped and looked into the darkness in my direction. "Yes, I'm here " I said and dissolved into tears, knowing I had ruined whatever chance I might have had. I was too damaged, I didn't deserve this angel of a man who had taken me into his home, his life and now it seemed , his heart. I looked down and buried my head in my hands, too ashamed to face him.

As I stared at the ground a pair of suede clad feet came into view, Then two hands gripped my knees as he knelt in front of me. A voice next to my bowed head whispered "Darling are - are you ok?" I slowly looked up and his face was next to mine, white with anxiety. "I'm so sorry, it just kind of slipped out. I really thought, I mean I know it's so soon but...." he trailed off as I stroked his cheek, and he leant into my hand. I knew now if I was to stand any chance of saving us from this fiasco, I had to tell him the truth. All of it. If he ended up loathing me, then it would be no more than how I felt about myself now anyway.

"Shhh my love" I said and his eyes stared at me with a tiny spark of hope at the term. I nodded slowly "I do think that you think you love me " he started to speak to say he really did, but I stopped him ,putting my fingers on his lips, very softly. "No, please I need to speak now , we will talk but l need this moment for me" he nodded. and ran a hand through his hair nervously. "We hardly know each other in real terms and yes, I'll admit, there is an attraction - a love even - but to love me you need to know all of me. Even the ugly bits. You don't, not yet. You got a taste of what I can be like last night, but that's the point. I need you to see it for what it is. A nasty insidious cancer that will eat away at us if we don't excise it. I need to talk and you need to listen and then you can tell me if you love me or not. I will not judge you just as you and your wonderful mother have not judged me. We just need somewhere to talk. Is there somewhere?"

He looked at me and smiled, "yes, I know the perfect place, come on little one." he stood up, drawing me with him. I so wanted to kiss him right there and then, but I knew if I did, all my good intentions would come to nothing so instead I held his hand tightly and we set off.

We walked for about ten minutes, until we came to a row of Georgian terraced houses, all stone steps and heavy front doors. They looked pale and imposing in the moonlight, the windows like dark eyes watching us. Leading me up a nearby flight of steps, he unlocked to door and ushered me in.

"Welcome home darling" he said softly and for once I didn't correct him. There was an air of protection and comfort that emanated from the building, as if it's thick walls and sumptuous furnishings were a protective cocoon from the outside world. I could see how he would feel happy here.

"it's beautiful" I said as we walked into the sitting room. Polished wooden floors, thick rugs and comfy sofas. Side tables with lamps, now illuminated, and an open gas fire which Tom snapped on. He sat on a sofa by the fire and indicated I should do so too, I shook my head. I couldn't trust myself within two feet of him, I would be undone and the chance would be gone. In the low light, his eyes glittered dark and brooding. His cheekbones, those elegant refined, beautiful cheekbones, were highlighted to perfection. I swallowed and turned away to the fire, holding onto the mantelpiece for support.

"The thing is Tom, " I began and suppressed the urge to be sick as nerves kicked in again "it's like this....." It all tumbled out pretty much in the same way it had to his mum. In painful detail I explained what had been done to me over the previous years. I felt this time if I left even one detail out, it would fester away inside me and destroy whatever happiness I had. I needed him to see how badly I was broken.

All the while, he said nothing. He clasped and unclasped his hands as I described the abuse both mental and physical. And when I finally admitted to him what I hadn't been able to with his mum, he screwed up his eyes and a tear escaped along with a small inward gasp of horror. Finally I dealt what I thought would be the killer blow. I hadn't even told Diana this one. It was just too much to bear alone any more.

"But you see, the final punishment was I lost a child. He had no idea I was even pregnant. Before I got a chance to tell him, he gave me such a beating I lost it. And any hope of any more along with it." I closed my eyes and tears ran silently down my cheeks, no sobbing no wailing, just tears for my lost child and this , my lost love. Tom wouldn't want me now I thought, not like this. I stayed standing silently praying for some miracle that I felt would never come. When I opened them again, he wasn't sitting by the fire and for a second it was my turn to panic, I thought he was gone. Then I heard a noise, a sort of strangled choke. I looked to my right and there silhouetted against the window was his figure. He was facing out into the night so I couldn't see his reaction. I realised he was crying and I knew I had destroyed whatever dream he had started to formulate. I couldn't bring myself to believe he hated me, no, but I could easily believe he no longer loved me. Who would? I was an unlovable shell of a woman.

"Tom?"

Nothing. He didn't move, he didn't speak. I sat down on the sofa and waited, he took a long time to pull himself together. When he did, he simply came over and putting a hand on my cheek said "you must be exhausted love. Please, take my bed, I'll sleep here tonight so you can rest properly. We'll go home tomorrow when I'm safe to drive" he took my hand and led me upstairs to his room, settling me in with a t-shirt to wear overnight. In silence, he kissed my cheek and closed the door. I was devastated. I slid down the door, coming to rest on the floor, head in my hands, resting on my knees. I couldn't even cry, I felt empty and alone. Climbing into bed, I cried myself to sleep. This wasn't the fairy-tale ending I'd hoped I deserved.