A Fighting Chance

Failed

Even after the fights, in all the time we were together, I never once had any doubt I was the centre of his world. That when push came to shove, he would be there for me. Until the day when I needed him the most. It was then that I thought I had failed him and lost him all in one go.

My new treatment regime wasn't working. I was beginning to feel really scared. If things deteriorated much more, I'd get to the point where the only option would be dialysis, a transplant and potentially, if it all went sideways, I could die. Admittedly, that was pushing things a little far, but fear makes you crazy. Apparently, it also makes you needy.

The night before I had to go back into hospital for more assessments and testing, I must have tried to call Tom at least 2 or 3 times. It was 9pm and I was sitting in bed all alone, Diana was out with her sister for the evening. She had come down to keep me company, knowing this was going to be a challenge to say the least. I'd insisted she go out tonight though. I wasn't going to be very good company and I would need her more after I got out than ever before. I also wanted to call Tom.

I picked up my phone and pressed redial. It rang twice then three times then suddenly I heard Tom's voice, relieved I said.
" Oh there you are sweetheart, so glad your there at last, I have missed you today"
"Oh Kate, we spoke yesterday. Do you realise what time it is? I'm a little busy love. That's why I haven't picked up. " his tone wasn't unfriendly, but I got the distinct feeling I was an unwelcome distraction he could do without. It was 4pm with him, so I felt bad I'd interrupted him but I really was scared.

"I'm sorry darling, I was just scared , its a big day tomorrow and .." I burst into tears as it all overwhelmed me. He seemed to soften a little,
"I'm sorry too darling, its just not been the best day. " I could imagine him pinching the top of his nose, screwing up his eyes and I could hear the tiredness in his voice. "How are you really feeling? Don't hide anything baby, please"
"I'm scared I'm going to die and you wont be here to hold me and I love you " it all tumbled out in a rush along with my tears.

For a moment there was silence, then a deep sigh. " Calm down - you're being overly emotional. Now, you know I can't come. I told you this was a critical phase. Please don't make me feel any worse than I do already Kate. "

I was horrified, he may have actually been right, but that's not what I needed. I needed my husband, my rock. I was terrified and I needed him to do what he promised. Who WAS this person masquerading as my Tom?? Where was his compassion, where was his promise to move heaven and earth should I need him to. Had I driven him away with my constant illness and needs?

"'I'm so sorry Tom " I said quietly. "I didn't mean to disturb you " I'll be in for a few days. I'll call you after. Maybe Thursday? If you're not busy?" I could barely contain my tears. The very night I had needed him to tell me it was all going to be ok....

"Yeah, Thursday, yeah. I'll be around. Speak then. Love you bye" and without any further chat, he hung up.

I sat for a moment, not quite believing what had just happened. My best friend in the world couldn't wait to get rid of me. Things would only get worse.

After three days of poking, prodding, blood tests , and every other procedure known to man, I was sent home. Initial results were inconclusive. Yes, things had deteriorated a bit but no-one could say why. I'd been doing everything right. If I kept at it, I could more than likely, make it through without too much further trauma but equally I may go further downhill. My blood pressure was sky high and that wasn't helping. Keep calm they said, easier said than done under the current situation. Full results would be back next week, along with the chance to repeat some tests so I would go back then. I wondered if Tom would find it in his heart to come home for that.

Sadly, it was to be not only a disappointment but also the beginning of the darkest period in our short lived marriage so far.

When I got home, I tried to call him. It was probably about 9am there so I thought I stood a fighting chance of catching him before it all got too mad. I sat in the living room, looking our the window on a grey and wet day. The raindrops on the window mirroring my own gloomy mood. He didn't pick up, so I left as cheery a voicemail as I could, I wanted to try and make up for being a grouch.

Keeping myself busy with my own work, a little light housework and sorting through some of the boxes of stuff I'd never quite gotten round to emptying when I moved in, it was almost 6pm when I looked at the clock. He still hadn't answered. Sitting back down with a cup of our favourite - Earl Grey - I dialled the number. Voicemail instantly. His phone was switched off. I hung up, no point in even leaving a message I thought. I thought better of it and called back. Still off, so I left a voicemail.

"Hi darling, hope you're ok. Just wanted to chat over the results with you but don't want to play voicemail tennis so will let you call me back. Know you're busy and I'm sorry to keep calling, but it's important we speak love. Soon ok? More than yesterday sweetheart..." I hung up with a sense of foreboding that I couldn't shift. Where was he? What was he doing that was so important. More important than me?

As Tom looked at his phone, he saw the voicemail Icon pop up and he swore quietly. He'd gone too far. First, just letting it ring out this morning, then switching it off completely until now when he was sure she would be asleep. He knew he was in the wrong, but he just couldn't face her. He had broken his promise to always be there for her and he was ashamed. His pride didn't want to let him admit he'd messed it all up. The voice from outside the trailer called his name and he shouted an answer, standing up. He looked at himself in the mirror. This was the face of a failure. He sighed and shook his head. The longer the fights went on, the more he hated himself. If he couldn't love himself any more, how could she? Today was a day messing about in water, so he took off his wedding ring and carefully put it in the drawer of the unit beside him. Despite everything at the moment, it meant everything to him, and he would never risk losing it. He glimpsed the engraving inside and his heart lurched "Less than tomorrow". It was true, he would always love her less than the next day, but right now, the next day seemed so far away.

He would try to call her later, he promised himself, when she would be awake again. It was going to be a busy day, shooting then a visit to a local theatre to support some young people putting on Shakespeare. He'd encouraged the whole cast and crew to go. There would be a drinks reception after. Maybe it was just what he needed, relax a little before he called home. Yes, just a couple of drinks and some socialising, what could be the harm in that?