A Fighting Chance

Goodbye

At first it had been a godsend, I'd felt great after each session, tired for a bit but great. Almost my old self. And I could eat lots of 'bad' stuff like salty crisps and not worry. It became my little treat to make up for the ball and chain now round all our ankles.

Slowly though, it became apparent that time was moving on and so was my condition. After about 3 months, I started to notice I wasn't as bright and breezy for as long. What little function was there was almost gone.

Tom and I went away for a couple of days in between sessions, just the two of us to a cottage by the sea. Not too far away from civilisation, just in case, but far enough we could try to forget for 24hours.

We walked on the beach a little, I got so tired so easily and we talked a great deal. At first we made plans. The wedding was a matter of 3 weeks away and neither of us could bear to voice the realisation we had to cancel. It was like giving in. We talked about the boys and our plans for taking them to meet all the gang when they were older. We would take them to Australia to America and to Scotland as much as we could. They deserved to see everything we could offer them. We lay together that night, in the little bedroom of the cottage, a fire burning in the grate, the wind whistling outside. We were wrapped in our thoughts and each others arms. Tom held me as I lay on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I traced his muscles with my fingers, closing my eyes to breathe in his wonderful scent. He let out a deep contented sigh and his fingers traced my back, down my spine, making me moan softly.

"Let's stay here forever?" he whispered and I nodded

"Fine by me love" I agreed quietly "I will always remember tonight" I added, twisting so I could look up at him, my hair falling over my face. He reached down and pushed it back gently, his eyes dark and brooding in the reflection of the firelight. He didn't speak, just cupped my face and leant down, his lips covering mine in a long kiss.

"Yes, " he said "so I will I" and then he gathered me into his arms and we made memories to last a lifetime.

Coming home on the Monday, I started to feel very very unwell, I passed out in the car and Tom drove straight to the hospital and before we had time to think about it, I was admitted and on a drip. It really was the beginning of my final slip down that slope. As I lay in the bed, wired and dripped, Tom held my hand and tried to be brave. We talked about the weekend and the plans for another one when I got out. I wasn't altogether sure I would ever see it.

Diana came in to see me after the first few days and brought the twins with her. They stole the show of course and everyone came to see them. Sitting up in bed, watching Tom show them off to everyone, my heart was full. I couldn't begin to imagine not being there for them growing up, but it was a reality I had to think about. I may not even see their first steps, let alone first day at school, girlfriend.... the images filled my mind and I felt the tears fall. Anyone looking at me would think I was the proud Mum, I wasn't, I was the grieving mother about to leave those she loved most in the world.

Later on, after the boys had been kissed goodbye a thousand times, and I had hugged Diana until neither of us could breathe, Tom and I sat, holding hands saying nothing.

"Tom"

"Katie"

We laughed as we spoke at the same time. I nodded "you go first Tom, please"

He took a deep breath, "I've been thinking, about the blessing" he looked at me from under his eyelashes as he studied our hands carefully. "We should ..."

"Postpone. Yes, I was thinking the same thing" I said sadly. I hadn't wanted to admit it was a hopeless dream at this point.

"No darling, I was going to say, do it here, tomorrow. Just us. Just to say.." he put his head down on our joined hands, face down and I could see his shoulders shake.

"Goodbye? No sweetheart" I said softly and he looked up like I had kicked him, but I had a good reason. "If we do it now, I can't wear my beautiful dress and I so want to waltz with you in my beautiful dress" It sounded weak, but it masked the real reason, I didn't want to admit I was dying. I felt compelled to add more "and anyway, we can reschedule for the spring, I would like a spring wedding darling" I stroked his hair and wiped his tears. "I'm not leaving you, who would look after you and keep you out of mischief eh Loki?" I smiled, feeling less confident than I sounded. I held out my arms to him and he climbed onto the bed beside me and cried, and as I held Thomas, the little boy, in my arms and let him, a feeling of peace came over me. This would be my focus now, my husband, not my illness. I was confident I could be strong if only for him.

It would be the last time I felt that confident,