A Fighting Chance

Drifting away

That night, as I lay in the small room above the Dog and Duck, I thought my heart would break in two. I'd never felt pain like it. It was a physical ache, a hurt that wouldn't subside. I tried to tell myself it was a healing process but I didn't believe my own lies one little bit. As I watched the headlights from the road outside play over the ceiling, I tried to think of what to say to him. Nothing would come to me. Nothing that wasnt just more pain and regret. Exhausted by crying I fell asleep.

I woke early, too early, it wasn't even 6am. Checking the time on my phone I groaned. As if life wasn't hard enough that I must now cope with it sleep deprived too. I decided to go for a run. It wasn't something I did naturally, I'd had to work at it to get even halfway comfortable but now, almost a year later, I could manage a pretty decent 5k. Scraping my hair into a ponytail I donned my gear and let myself out.

The morning was bright and clear. There was a warm smell in the air, it was going to be a nice day. The sky was a pale pink running to midblue in the early light with little flecks of cream clouds. I had no idea where to go, so I pulled out my phone and looked at the map. There was a small reservoir on the edge of the town and what looked like a footpath running around it. Putting on my music, I set off. A few minutes later I arrived at the reservoir, it was so pretty in the morning light, ducks swimming lazily and the blue sky reflecting in the water. If only I had Tom there to share it with me I thought and that now familiar pain seized me again. It was more than my imagination could bear, it felt like I really was having my heart ripped out.

I stopped and sat on a rock, wheezing as the cold air hit my lungs. I was beginning to get a little worried when the pain started to travel down my left arm. What had started out as mental anguish was now real, physical pain. In the back of my mind I remembered something about the left arm and heart attacks. Trying not to get carried away, I stood up and rubbed my arm. It was just cramp I told myself. It would be fine. I started to jog slowly round the water, taking in the sights and sounds of the day coming to life. My arm started to hurt less and I relaxed a little thinking it was nothing more than the cramp I'd suspected .

An hour later I collapsed in the shower.

I came to , my head fuzzy and my eyes blinded by a bright light. I had been discovered, lying face down in the shower cubicle by a very shaken young lady who'd come to service the room. She'd had the presence of mind to put me into the recovery position and call an ambulance. Now, a couple of hours later, I was in the local A&E department wired up to a monitor and being watched over by a conscientious nurse.

"Ahhhh welcome back Miss Martin" she said gently as my eyes struggled to focus. " it's ok, you're quite safe, you had a little blackout in the shower so they brought you here " she smiled and patted my hand. "I'll fetch the doctor - now dont you go galloping off anywhere ok?" She retreated to find a medic, laughing at her own 'jokes'. I lay and looked at yet another ceiling. I was getting good at this. This ceiling was also meant for kids it appeared. To keep them occupied while their parents fell apart as they lay on a hopital trolley.

The feeling of childish happiness was short lived however, as I scanned the roof I became aware the posters were all Marvel related and the one I could focus directly on? Loki and the Avengers in Stark Tower. Right after he was Hulk smashed. I screwed my eyes up and squeezed the tears away. Just at that, a doctor came in and stood over me smiling benevolently.
"Hi Kate - I can call you Kate? " I nodded mutely, suddenly I was scared and alone. She touched my hand "Is there someone I can call for you? A relative, husband ,a friend perhaps?" I shook my head and she looked worried. Instantly I felt fear grip my heart. " I'm afraid there are some things we need to discuss and it would be better not to be alone Kate." Only bad news was ever delivered this way. There was only one thing for it. Diana.