A Fighting Chance

Done

Time was running out. We both knew it. When they'd made me as comfortable as they could, he came and sat behind me on the bed. He propped me against him, his strong arms wrapped round me, trying to protect me from what we knew to be approaching with gathering pace.

In the movies, when people near the end they get all brave and philosophical. Me? I was absolutely terrified. I wasn't scared to actually die. I'd accepted that, not that I wasn't going to fight you understand. But I was scared to die alone. I was scared I would go without Tom's arms around me. I was scared he wouldn't know how much I loved him. I had to keep telling him every time I closed my eyes to sleep and opened them again to find him still there. If he left my side for any reason I told him and when he came back. He was endlessly patient with me, letting me cry and rant as I needed. As I got weaker though, and said less, he read to me. Shakespeare and Marlowe and Le Carre. He read me old scripts and he played me messages from all our friends. Chris and Elsa visited, the day we should have been getting married again. They arrived in pyjamas and bowties and it made me laugh. I could see the pain in their eyes though. Elsa stayed with me while Tom and Chris went for a walk.

"Thankyou Elsa, " I said " thankyou for bringing Chris for Tom. He needs him now more than ever. " I squeezed her hand and she kissed my cheek.
" You're a fighter Kate. I know you are. We'll be at your next wedding before you know it!" She laughed softly then started to weep. I stroked her hand.
"Hey hey don't you dare. You're not getting rid of me that easily" I said with more conviction than I felt. " who's going to help you keep those two in check if I go?"
She nodded wiping her eyes on her sleeve. " yeah, they're too much for me that's for sure "
We looked out the window and saw the guys standing in the small garden outside my room. Tom was enveloped in a man hug, Chris holding the back of his head as he sobbed uncontrollably into his friends shoulder. The time for pretence was gone.
"I'm glad he will have you when..." I trailed off and I looked at Elsa. " Look after him. Please." I took her hand. " I don't want him to be alone"
Elsa looked at me, tears in her eyes. "Oh Kate" was all she said and hugged me as we both dissolved into tears.

Over the next few days I started to put all my affairs in order. I even picked out some details I would like for my send off. Neither of us could bear to call it what it really was. I wanted to take as much of the burden off Tom as I could. I asked to wear my wedding dress. Not the new one, as yet still in its bag, but my actual Vegas dress. I wanted to look as amazing as I could on this, my longest journey. Hearing this, Tom burst into tears and said he never wanted to see the colour green again but I told him not to be silly, Loki would look daft in pink. Thankfully that put a smile, albeit a watery one, on his face for a little while.

As I deteriorated, I could chat less and less. I got confused and sometimes forgot what was happening and why I was there. Tom was doggedly determined to care for me. He showed me pictures of the boys as they played with their Grannies and their Aunts and he told me stories of what we would do when I was better. We never gave up hope but by the middle of December it became a lottery whether I would even see Christmas. My mum and Diana stayed pretty much the whole time when they weren't babysitting in turn, letting Tom get a meal or washed ,but other than that it was just the two of us.

The staff were wonderful, they let Tom sleep in my bed with me, his arms and voice and lips gently soothing me. They brought us tea and toast in the middle of the nights I just was too scared to close my eyes. I wasn't brave at all. Tom however was incredible. He never once gave up hope.

As Christmas approached, the boys were brought in so I could see them and hold them, albeit briefly. Thankfully they were too little to have any idea what was going on. I on the other hand got so upset, they had to be taken away. I was too weak to object.

A last ditch round of testing for compatible donors from people closest to me proved fruitless. We had agreed initially that we couldn't risk Tom, he needed to stay healthy for the boys but he insisted he was re-tested anyway. It was no use.

Time was against us. Fate, it seemed was finally against us.

It was 3 days before Christmas. I'd slept most of the morning and we were chatting quietly, Tom stroking my hair as I lay in his arms. We rarely sat up now, it took too much out of me. We had a nest of pillows behind us and I could just about see into the garden. If this was to be the last view I would have, it was perfect.
"I'm tired Tom" I said. " I'm done" he looked at me with such fear.
"Darling, please don't give in. You got this. Please, just a couple more days. " his tone was soft, cajoling. I didn't want to leave but it was so hard. "The boys need you darling, I need you and Bobby needs you"
"Bobby?" Through my haze I realised I had no idea who he was.
"Look" was all he said and opened his phone. A picture of the cutest little brown spaniel puppy popped up.
"Bobby" I said touching the screen. Tom nodded.
" He's our new baby sweetheart, I thought we could take him for walks and he will be a good playmate for Chris and Jamie" he smiled, pushing the hair off my face. "Give you a break for 5 minutes"
" yes, he's gorgeous. Such beautiful eyes and a wonderful smile. " I wasn't looking at Bobby any more. I looked up at Tom and he leant down and kissed me softly.
"More than yesterday" I murmured
"Less than tomorrow" he replied, his voice breaking " oh darling. " he rested his head on mine and we lay in silence just holding each other.

Then for the first time in my life, I prayed. Out loud. It was all I had left.