A Fighting Chance

Reconciliation

Much as we would have liked to recreate the night of our engagement in Atlanta , we decided that as there was a distinct lack of room service and the balcony was just a little too public this time, we should really get up and go for dinner like normal people. We had a lot to talk about.

Tom sat in the living room, watching tv while I dressed. I shouted through to him

"How did you find me?"

"I have to be honest without Luke, this would have been almost impossible, he talked to everyone who knew you. Eventually the answer was much closer to home. Mum" he was now standing at the bedroom door, leaning on the post, watching me struggle into my favourite but tricky high heeled boots.

"Here, "he knelt down "let me" and I sat on the bed while he held the boots and guided my feet , fastening up the multitude of leather straps. The feeling of his hands on my ankles drove me wild but I managed to keep a lid on it, just. When he was finished, he sat on the floor, looking up at me. "You're not angry are you? That it was Luke doing all the leg work and not me? That I didn't think to ask Mum myself?" He looked genuinely worried and my heart melted for him.

"No" I smiled and stroked his head as he laid in on my knees, much like that night that seemed so long ago "I'm not. I just care that you're here and I'm here and we're here and..." I laughed softly as he looked up at me as I rambled. "I was just making sure you hadn't fallen asleep again" I said and he stood up, leaning over me

"Would you like me to prove it?" he growled in my ear, filling my stomach with butterflies "eating is overrated you know" and his hand grazed my inner thigh. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

"Darling, much as I would happily let you do anything you want, and I mean ANYTHING" I rasped "I have to eat, you know that" my breath coming in ragged bursts as I imagined the consequences of my last statement.

"Oh my Pet" Loki suddenly leered into my ear "You have no idea what I'm capable of" and with that he stood up and pulled me by the hand. "But first FOOOOOOD!" and we left the flat laughing.

There was a great little Indian restaurant just around the corner so we decided just to have that. The waiter was a little star struck to begin with but once he discovered that 'Mr Loki' , as he said when he greeted him, was actually a very normal down to earth kind of superhero, things calmed down.

As we sat and waited for our meal, I knew I had to broach the subject of The Woman. It hadn't magically gone away, it was still marching around the room, trumpeting its presence. Tonight was the time to get everything out in the open, clean the slate and then move on.

"Tom, " I began and I don't know to this day if it was my tone, or he could genuinely read minds, but he answered instantly,

"no, I never slept with her. That was the one thing I was never going to do. Yes, she was attractive and yes, to my endless shame I kissed her and was photographed doing so. But you know what was wrong? Why I wouldn't, no matter how sad, lonely and drunk I was? Apart from the fact I was breaking the most solemn vow I'd ever made? " he looked at me with such candour I knew he wasn't going to try and justify his behaviour, just explain.

"no" I said in a small voice, hoping I was right,

"She wasn't you." he took my hand across the table.

"When we fought, I was that stupid little boy again, I couldn't see that I was hurting you more than I was winning a fight. I should have made time for you. I should have been here when.." he stopped and took a breath "when you got sick again but I wasn't. I thought that it would be all ok, you didn't need me, you had it covered. I thought it wasn't that serious and we needed to finish the shoot. Whenever you got angry with me - justifiably so - I couldn't understand why. I thought you were being silly and needy and I was a blind, stupid, arrogant fool. I'm sorry my darling. I never want to be that person ever again. "

"Well I can't pretend I wasn't angry or hurt - you know I was - but I never thought you were arrogant. Stupid, blind and selfish maybe but never arrogant." I smiled softly and his eyes crinkled in the way that I loved so much. I continued "in all of this, you know what made me not call, not try to persuade again and again you to come home? Not The Woman, not our fights, it was this." I moved my hand and ran my finger over his wedding ring, slowly tracing the edge. He looked at me and tears were glistening in both our eyes. "I never took mine off Tom, no matter how bad it got. I meant every word of my vow to you that day " he started to speak but I held up my hand, this was my turn "It wasn't till you took yours off, till you denied I existed to the world, that I gave up. Even then, I kept mine close. Yes, I gave the emeralds back to your Mum " he looked shocked "she never told you?" he shook his head in silent shame, "well I did, anyway, the ring was the last hope I had you would come back to me." Tears now spilled down my cheeks. It needed to be said, otherwise it would have festered away " I thought you were ashamed of me. I couldn't ultimately be what you wanted. A friend, lover, wife and .....a mother". I whispered the last word, the final fear I had, made real. I looked down at my plate, and there was silence. Tom stood up and came to my side of the table, grabbing a chair from an empty table. Sitting as close to me as he could, he took both my hands.

"Oh Kate, my sweet sweet girl. Now who's the silly one eh?" he said softly. "I knew from the start what your poor body had been through, and there are more ways to complete a family than grow your own!" he smiled but I didn't feel like laughing. "Darling, look at me, none of this was anything to do with you not being able to carry a child. Nothing. I took the ring off because I needed to for the role. With everything that was going on , it became a symbol to me that you no longer loved me because I had turned into everything I swore I wouldn't. I didn't wear it because it burned my conscience to do so. It reminded me of everything I had failed at , not anything I didn't want."

"So what you're saying, really, is that you still want me?" I said quietly into his shoulder as we hugged,

"Forgive me darling " he said "but did I not just show you that - several times over?" his wicked smile made me giggle like a schoolgirl again, after all this time he still had the knack.

"Put Molnjir back in your pants Hiddleston " I teased "you know what I mean" and I looked at him "If we are to do this, I need to know its what you want. I haven't changed, I haven't suddenly got well, there will still be hurdles and you know that I may still get sick. I don't want you to regret this, I couldn't bear to lose you again , not for the what is it now? 47th time?" and we both laughed.

"I wont regret a single minute" he said, "all I regret is the minutes my ego wasted. I love you Kate Martin Hiddleston, I always will, more than yesterday"

"and less than tomorrow" I finished.