A Fighting Chance

Blessings

We decided on an Autumn blessing, 4 months away. That way we could plan it carefully and the boys would be just that little bit older and I could have a day where I wasn't constantly worrying about feeds and nappies and basically just them. We would have an army of willing volunteers - Aunts - and an Uncle or two - just dying to have them for a while, led by Generals Hiddleston and Martin. They were hands on Grannies, as much as time and distance would allow.

My first task was to take Emma and get a dress. Sarah was still abroad, so she had to be on face time, but Emma was absolutely beyond excited to go with me. I'd spoken to my mum and Diana and explained that since they both couldn't be there at the same time, it would be fairer if neither were there and I would take Emma. They were wonderful. Mum said I could borrow her headdress, now after 50 years a beautiful ivory colour and Diana lent me her veil. Again, no longer white due to age but the perfect colour. White would have been a bit of a cheek anyway to be completely truthful!

Leaving the boys with their father, Emma and had planned to spend the whole day in town, but in truth it only took 3 dresses to find "the one". This time, there wasn't a hint of green to be seen. If last time had been Viva Las Vegas, this time was definitely Crimson Peak. As soon as I put it on, I knew it was the one. Oyster satin, draped and corseted, holding me in at all the right places. It had pearl detailing on the bodice, just enough but not too bling, and a row of covered buttons down the back. To my shame my first thought was how was Tom going to get them undone in a hurry but hey, I was no blushing ingenue. This was a blessing not a first night I told myself as I eyed up my now artificially tiny waist. It finished with a small train that could be bustled up to dance and I truly felt like the bride I had always wanted to be. Emma cried when she saw me which set me off in turn. We stood in the middle of the dress shop hugging with Sarah shouting "let me see" from the laptop. I couldn't wait to wear it. It was going to be a long 4 months.

Tom had decided he was really too tall and thin for a kilt, despite my protestations, so his acknowledgement of his Scottish roots came in a tartan waistcoat under his tails. I told him it reminded me of the scene in Four Wedding and a Funeral where they all wore mad waistcoats and he laughed, telling me I never ceased to amaze him with my geek knowledge. I took that as a compliment!

Important stuff out the way, we had to decide small details like where we would actually do this. Neither of us really wanted to splash it over the papers and ANYWHERE in London was likely to do that. Given I had no real desire to go back to where all my problems had begun, we decided that Suffolk was the place. A country church, a modest celebration with our friends and family from around the world. Even Chris and Elsa were coming all the way from Australia. They promised not to wear the pyjama / bowtie combo this time, much to Tom's everlasting relief.

About a week after the dress day, I was in the loo for the 100th time, I thought I must've caught a chill somewhere along the line, when the phone rang and it was Emma.

"What's up Em?" I heard Tom speaking in the hall. "Oh, hell, no. Ok look I'll be there shortly, don't get upset, we can sort this sis" he hung up and shouted through the door "I have to go sweetheart, Emma's crashed her car. "

Instantly I was out the door, washing and wiping my hands as I went. "Oh God ! Is she ok Tom? What happened?" I was as worried as him, she had become like a sister to me too.

"She's ok but she reckons the car is totalled. She was on her way to see mum and a dog ran out in front of her. She swerved and ended up hitting a tree. Not a big one, and the car took the brunt of it, but she's all shaken up. She didn't want to phone mum for help and scare the daylights out of her. Sorry love, I might be gone until tomorrow at this rate - will you be ok?" he put his arms around me and kissed the tip of my nose. "you're looking pale again darling. You're ok?" he was ever mindful of the fact being pregnant had taken a lot out of me, my kidneys had held out but it was a matter of conjecture how much longer they would stay as good as they were at the moment.

"I'm just tired love, honestly. " I said feeling genuinely exhausted "It's been a busy week, all this planning. Don't know how people do it for a living. I keep forgetting stuff - the other day I found my car keys in the fridge!" He laughed and kissed me softly.

"Oh Katie you are priceless, never change darling?" he pulled away and put his jacket on, grabbing the keys off the hall table. "I'll be home as soon as I can, promise. Please look after yourself sweetheart, you need to be careful. Don't overdo it ok? Kiss the boys for me when they wake up?" I nodded, although I wasn't quite sure what he meant.

"Boys?" I asked innocently, hoping he would explain. He looked at me oddly and then laughed

"Oh you! As if you would forget your own sons! Just wait till they're 18 and eating us out of house and home. Then we'll BOTH want to forget them!" he kissed my cheek and went out the door. I closed it softly behind him, shaking my head. How could I have made that mistake. I was so tired these days, still after the wedding we were taking a short honeymoon, I could relax then. I only wished I could remember where we were going.

Tom phoned later that night and I was feeling much more like my old self again. I'd had a nap when the boys went down in the afternoon and woke feeling refreshed. I had a light snack in front of the tv and after I'd said goodnight to Tom, went to bed. I checked on the twins and they were sound asleep, looking like 2 little cherubs. I knew once they started to teethe this picture of domestic bliss might be a longed for fantasy, but I loved them more than I could ever have imagined possible, I would protect them with my life. I stood next to their cribs, stroking their tiny hands and quietly singing a Norwegian lullaby. I smiled to myself as I remembered the last time I had heard their father singing it to me. In the middle of the street at 7am in the morning. Seemed like a lifetime ago.

As I lay in our big bed on my own that night, I felt cold so got up to put one of Tom's jumpers on. I stumbled a little and my head spun. I hoped I wasn't coming down with something. As I stood rifling through his drawer I felt my back twinge and I rubbed it absentmindedly. Had I lifted Chris or Jamie awkwardly? Didn't remember doing so , but with the way my memory was at the moment, who knew. In the back of my mind, a worried little voice began to whisper to me, but I decided to ignore it. I had two babies who needed me, a wedding to plan and goodness only knows how many other tasks on my to do list. thank God I was on maternity leave, how would I have fitted work in!

If only I had listened to the little voice.