A Fighting Chance

Deja Vu

You know that feeling you get when you feel like you've seen something or done something before but you cant quite get a handle on it? Well, the next couple of weeks seemed like that to me.

The chill seemed to be just that, and a couple of hours and some paracetamol later, I was back on my feet, although I didn't feel 100 percent really. Keeping busy with the boys kept my niggling inner voice quiet for a bit so I probably didn't do myself any favours.

Tom came home later that evening from meeting with Kevin, a look of trepidation on his face. He had to go to America again, this time only for a month. He'd refused to go at first, saying a Zoom meeting would suffice, but I insisted he went. We talked late into the night. He had been upset, but understood we couldn't go with him. We agreed the boys were too little and I needed to go for one of my regular check up during that time. He'd wanted to be there but we weren't expecting any changes, I'd been ok for quite some time so we made a pact, the family and my health came first, anything happened he would be the first to know. No secrets.

"Sweetheart you have to go" I said as we snuggled on the sofa after Chris went to bed. "It's your job. I knew that when I took you on!" I smiled up at him and he kissed my forehead.

"Yes, but you're my life darling. There will always be more jobs, there will never be another you" he stroked my cheek and I closed my eyes leaning into his touch. It never failed to give me butterflies, even now.

"Tom, look, why don't you commit to 2 weeks with the option to stay on? I will have Emma and your Mum - and if all else fails my Mum can get someone to look after things at her end and come down". I felt quite impressed with my reasoning and to my satisfaction, he nodded.

"Ok, you win love. " his eyes crinkled and he pulled me that little bit tighter. We need to be thinking about our blessing too - it's not really all that long away now. I am so happy you're getting the day you deserve love" he looked at me with such tenderness, my eyes filled with tears. I reached up and pulled him into a long kiss.

"Thank you darling " I said at last "I am the luckiest woman alive. I get to marry Tom Hiddleston twice! What did I do to deserve that eh?"

"I can't think of anything that bad!" he whispered with a grin, "but we could try to find something!" and with that he swept me up and took me to bed.

During the next week, Tom remarked once or twice that I was looking thinner and instead of taking it as a warning, I took it as a post-baby, neurotic mum about her weight compliment.

Big mistake. That and the fact I chose to ignore the fact I had a continually sore back again.

Why? I was afraid, that's why. The last time I got sick, I started from the top of the hill and clung on half way down. This time I was almost all the way down the slippery slope and I was afraid I was going to miss my footing completely and end up in a crumpled, dead, heap at the bottom. I also wasn't really thinking clearly, literally. This time the effects were more comprehensive. Me briefly forgetting I even had kids was just the start.

We were driving to the airport the following week when I had another "episode". Half way there, I turned to him and asked how long the flight to Australia was. He looked at me oddly and said "About 20hours plus stopovers...why?"

"Darling" he said softly "I'm not going to Australia -it's Atlanta this time" he took a hand off the wheel and patted my hand "you remember now?" his eyes betrayed his light voice. I'd been getting hazy again but not quite to this level, just forgetting to turn off the tv or leaving my keys in the fridge again. I shook my head, tears in my eyes.

"no, you said Australia - I know you did!" I looked at him as he drove, convinced I was right. "didn't you?" less certain this time. He turned to me, his face white.

"Oh Kate" was all he said "tell me."

"Tom, my back is sore", I couldn't ignore it. Weight loss, memory issues, back pain. We knew. I was getting worse. We looked at each other in silence for a minute then he said "you're seeing Dr Galloway tomorrow aren't you?" I nodded. "I can fly the day after. Let's go home " I didn't object. Turning in my seat to look at the boys in their rear seat carriers, I smiled at them sadly and then back at Tom.

"I love you Tom" I said "More than yesterday"

"less than tomorrow" he replied and we were both silently afraid of how many tomorrows we might not get.

Chris had left to go on another leg of his press tour so Diana took our little Chris and Jamie the next morning as we set off for the doctor. She knew something was up, Tom was supposed to be in America. She hugged me that little bit tighter when we were leaving.

"Don't you worry about a thing " she said in my ear "Tom's here, you're not alone this time" and I closed my eyes trying not to cry. It didn't work.

"I'm scared"

"I know love, I know" she pulled back and I could see her eyes bright with unshed emotion. "See you soon" she turned to Tom and hugged him, her small frame swamped, as mine often was, in his strong arms. Somehow though, she was the one comforting him. He looked at me over her shoulder and tried to be brave. Neither of us really felt it.

The drive to the doctor didn't take long, but it was awful. We tried to make small talk, about the weather - typical Brits - and the boys and work but it was like skating on thin ice. We didn't know when a crack would open and we would fall into the abyss below.

Tom lost his temper on the the drive a few time, the traffic was just typical London traffic but he was, understandably, on edge. I put my hand on his, on top of the gear stick as he drummed his fingers. "It's ok sweetheart, we have plenty time"

"Do we?" he snapped "Do you really think so?" less snappy this time. He took a deep breath "I'm sorry love, that was uncalled for" he glanced at me sideways and I smiled. I understood and I was just glad he was there. We would face it together this time. Drawing into the carpark, he stopped the engine and turned to me. "Whatever happens love, I am not leaving you to face it alone." It wasn't an offer, or a suggestion. It was a statement of fact and I, for one, wasn't going to argue.

"Thank you" was all I said, reaching over and kissing him. "Let's go".

An hour later, and several vials of blood down, we were back in the car. I was sitting silently staring out the window, ashen faced. Tom had his hands over his face, leaning on the steering wheel, moaning softly. As if someone had instructed us, we turned to each other and just held on. We both dissolved into tears, terrible wracking sobs that we couldn't, didn't want to, control. The news was bad. If I was getting this confused and in this much pain, things were deteriorating. Dr Galloway was never cruel, never had been even from that first day with Diana and me, but he was a realist.

"Your results will be back in a couple of days at most, I'll put a rush on them. I think we should prepare for the worst case scenario. Can you have a list of close relatives for me by your next appointment? We might need them." He stood up and shook our hands "It's not the end of the road yet, please don't think that, but we might as well be prepared eh?"

How prepared can you ever be to face your own possible mortality? I was about to find out.

Tom never did go to the States, the results came back the next day. I needed to start dialysis, 3 times a week from now. Including travel, I would be at the hospital for about 6 hours each time. Our family life would have become impossible but for Diana. She moved pretty much permanently into the spare bedroom and said not to worry about the boys at all, she was happy to play Granny for as long and as often as we needed. We were so grateful to her, we couldn't begin to tell her, although we did try. She just shooed us away saying she was the lucky one, she got exclusive access to all her favourite people 24/7. She was a real rock, and Tom for one, would need her more and more over the coming weeks.

He had to work, and while I was stuck attached to a machine so often, it became all the more important that everything else continued as normal. I could manage this if it meant I got to stay with my 3 wonderful men. When I was just "fixed" as I came to call it, I felt amazing. All the crud had been removed from my blood and it was like I was a new woman. Keeping to the 3 times schedule meant I could be my old self in between.

It wasn't a permanent solution though and we knew it. They began to search for a donor.