Carolina Knows (FLETCHER Taylor Swift) Cari Fletcher girlxgirl gxg Gaylor Caylor

Chapter Thirty

Cari's POV

"Taylor, I think we really need to talk," I say, pausing the movie we are in middle of. We are cuddled together on her couch, her head resting in my lap as I run my fingers through her hair. 

Ever since this thing with Joe happened this morning, we haven't said too much to each other, pretending everything is okay, but I know that we are both overthinking everything. I know she is upset; I know she is hurting. I know she is conflicted about something, but she hasn't wanted to talk to me.

When I first got here, I truly thought she was just upset and short with me because of the distance, but being here all day, I have come to realize that it is much more than that. She is still short. She is still silent. She is still upset. 

I don't know how much longer I can handle keeping our relationship a secret. All it's been doing is breaking my heart. I have to lie to everyone around me, to my friends, to my family. I have to pretend to be just her friend in front of everyone else. I am only hers when we are alone, and I can't take it much longer. 

My heart hurts. It hurts to sit here, pretending everything is okay when it's not. She's not truly mine, when everything we have is hidden. My chest is aching, my head is pounding. My eyes are burning from holding back my tears.

"What's up?" She asks me, sitting up now. She turns her body to face me, sitting crisscross applesauce on her couch, giving me her full attention. 

She seems worried about what I am going to say. Her blue eyes are looking into mine with concern, she is twiddling her fingers, and her breath is shaky. I am just as nervous.

"When are you going to come out?" I ask, my voice quiet, and I can't hold eye contact, too worried about her answer. I stare at my hands, waiting for her to speak, but silence is the only thing filling the room.

I don't know how long it's been before I find the strength to look at her, but eventually I do. There are tears falling from her eyes, and she is looking at me with sincerity.

"Taylor?" I ask her, trying to get an answer from her, wiping her tears with my thumbs, knowing that I now have tears streaming down my face as well.

"Cari-I-I don't know," she begins sobbing, and I pull her onto my lap. Her legs are on either side of me, her arms around me, with her head on my shoulder. I rub circles on her back, trying to soothe her cries, but it's hard when I am crying too.

"Did you love me?" I ask her, my mind always racing to the worst things. I, for some reason, am convincing myself that this was never real, that she never loved me, that she never plans on coming out; that this is over.

"Cari, I love you with everything in me," she pulls away to look at me, her teary, blue eyes staring into mine. 

"Then-then what are we going to do? Tay this sucks," tears begin pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks at their own free will now, I can't stop them.

"I know," she wipes my tears, a frown on her face, "it sucks so fucking bad, this fucking sucks Cari," her breathing is jagged, her words are full of hurt and sadness.

"Taylor, I can't take it much longer, I can't keep lying," more and more tears begin to stream, she can't wipe them away fast enough, and I feel myself completely falling apart right in front of her.

"I know, Cari I know," she says, her voice cracking slightly, hugging me tighter. I feel her lips press against mine, softly. I kiss her back, because there will never be a time I won't. No matter where we end up in life, if she presses her lips to mine, I can't control my want, it's almost a reflex. I can't imagine a life of not being able to kiss her anymore.