The Arrangement (Pt 1)

Chapter Sixteen

I yawn as I sit on the couch holding some frozen peas in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. I hold the cold bag up to my already swollen eye as I flinch in pain wondering what happened and how could this happen. Having had hardly no sleep I can't yawning desperate to rest my eyes but fearing that something will happen again.

I drain my cup and feel like I have given myself what I can only describe as brain freeze when I walk upstairs and see my clothes spread around the floor and then trailing into the bedroom. I feel a pang of hurt as I see the empty bed. I move to make the bed and get ready for the day blocking out all memories of last night even the amazing first for me. I apply my makeup to cover my already bruising eye and grab my sunglasses before heading out of the house.

I notice the car is gone so I walk out through the entrance and head towards the beach where I can clear my head and consider my next move. I sit on the sand and pull my legs upto my chest, resting my head on my knees as the waves crashed loudly and helped to block out all other noise as I begin to sort through what happened.

Sloane and I cuddled last night after going to bed and I had never felt more safe in my entire life. She gave me everything I needed and wanted without every saying a word. She showed her love language through physical contact, which I previously believed was reserved only for sex. I had never been happier falling asleep in her arms until I didn't..

I woke suddenly to Sloane screaming loudly in her sleep and I begun to panic thinking something was wrong until I saw her eyes closed. Believing it was a nightmare I tried to comfort her but the moment I touched her, Sloane swung her arms and ended up punching me in the face. I continued to try to help Sloane regardless of the tears streaming down my face and the sense of panic building but she grabbed me by the throat and stared at me. I felt the sudden desperation for air and begun to see stars as my head spun until I finally managed to flutter my eyes open when the grip eased and then disappeared. I looked up and Sloanes eyes are on me and I see the tears welling up she jumps back off me and lands on the floor with a thud. I instantly move towards her.

"Sloane, babe. Are you okay?"

Her shout stopped me in my tracks. "NO! STOP! Don't come near me Dani. Please. I am so sorry I can't belie - ".

I looked at her like a helpless child curled in a ball.

"Sloane you didn't mea-."

"Stop! I can't be here D. I'm not safe to be around. I can't hurt you."

We both cried uncontrollably and before I can formulate any words, Sloane has got to her feet and began marching away. I saw her wincing and holding her stomach from overexerting herself but know that the last thing she is considering is the pain of her wounds right now. I heard the door slame loudly and then the car speed away.

I look out and watch the waves rise and fall and my heart races as worry builds within me. I think about the happiness and joy I have felt when around Sloane but then feel fear building in me after what happened. I also felt annoyed that she stormed away and refused to even talk. How can a relationship ever work if that's what she feels is appropriate? I reach up and touch my eye and I can't help but panic and recall what she looked like realising she hurt me. I worry that she may hurt herself now.

Pulling myself up from the sand I begin to walk along the shore wading through the water with my barefeet. The feelings of doubt and anger seep in and the question comes through. Am I actually happy? Am I really gay? Why do I feel like this? Is this even right? Is this a sign to leave it all?

                                                                                                      ****************************************
When I return to the house I am desperately hoping to find Sloane has returned but it's of no avail. And a little part of me feels relief that she is not there because it may make my decision easier. I head upstairs and pull my suitcase out from the cupboard and begin to pull my clothes from the wardrobe and shove them into it. I text Rosie quickly to follow up our chat.

Dani: Can you pick me up now please?

I finish gathering my stuff and leave the letter I wrote for Sloane on the counter top.

My dearest Sloane,
                                I want to begin by saying I love you and I always will. From the first day meeting you I knew you were going to be someone very importannt to me. I knew you were going to be different. I have never felt true love like this and you are the one for me. You are the one that saved my life, you have always been there and have never given up on. I know everything happens so sudden however, the truth is I feel that you and I were destined to be. I understand that we have been through so much but I never gave up.
I wrote to you for six months with nothing from you Sloane, nothing but the minute I heard that you were hurt I knew that the only thing left to do was return home and care for the woman I love. I am sorry for hurting you before but I am also so thankful to you for giving up so much to save a complete stranger. Being with you has made me question my entire existence and everything I have ever known but I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I know what I want.
I can honestly tell you now I understand that all of this is simply a mistake and misunderstanding. You hurt me more by not speaking to me but honestly I am not giving up on us I promise but right now I think we both need some space.
Please Sloane, figure out what you want and I will be here.
I love you.
D xxxx