Dangerous Addiction

Twisted pt. 2

I was such a sorry excuse of  mess. Kicking off my shoes I sank to the ground as my reflection presented me with a lifetime worth of failure, a failed relationship, a failed image of happiness, a failed attempt of a good person. Years ago, in this same dress it felt like I was living the life of princess and the more I stared at it the more memories came back.

"Kuh pon dem to nuh."  I said pointing my lip over to the couple beside us, who seemingly were arguing about gender roles in the home.

It was actually a very intriguing topic because throughout generations gender roles became fickle, mostly because of religious influence. Growing up young girls are taught to subject themselves to their husband and their sole purpose in the home was to basically to work and produce children. Which I why I think many Jamaican young girls lack self respect and allow men treat them badly and take advantage of them.

But morewhile man a just wicked.

"Brandon, imagine time past and we end up married right, you expect me fi get up every morning cook and clean fi yuh?" I said laughing at my boyfriend.

" I already have a maid for that but it's not a problem if you want to. Jaz imagine time past and we end up married right,  you expect me to let you sit at home while I go out and work to provide for the both of us?" He replied smirking.

"Yes." I said with a deadpan look on my face which was soon masked with nasty grins from the both of us.

"Well then, you know I'm not one to live in a fantasy so I definitely won't be imagining for any longer,over the time we have been together you have showed me love and helped me to become the best I can be, you have given me a reason to wake up and smile by being my anchor throughout life. I can't see my life without you by my side. Jazariah, I love you so much that words can't even explain. Will you marry me?" He said getting down on one knee.

Den dis real?

I froze as I saw people looking at me expectantly. Brandon, the love of my life was proposing to me. I squeezed my hand trying to make sure I was not dreaming but soon felt pain after.

Shit.

"A which movie scene this? Fifty shades a grey? Yuh done know a yes.” I cheesed and he leaned in to kiss me.

The feeling of a tear sliding down my cheek  snapped me back to reality.

Jah know.

It was all going so well until I fucked it up. I found the knife and immediately started shredding my dress. Painful memories had me wishing for rewind and fast foward button, I was honestly tired of wasting my time on people who were not beneficial to me and only wish I could've seen it before I committed my all to them.

"Fucking idiot gyal"

"You nuh good fi nothing"

Words played in my mind and slipped through my lips while tears washed down my face as a the blade sliced through the remainder of the fabric. Still holding the knife firmly in my hands, I brought it up to my neck and stopped.

"Mi will end it right yasso, gwaan try mi." I said outloud to God knows who. Apart from two or three people I had nothing to live for, but killing myself meant letting the negativity would win and I was never one to back down or go soft in an argument.

"Di fuck mi a do bredda." I said dropping the knife. I stood up and looked at myself.

But you know seh anuh me.

I had never rose suspicions of infidelity or lied to Brandon, yet he cheat on me.

HE CHEATED ON ME.

I was there for Tessi throughout our entire friendship when she came crying and vented to me for hours long, yet she fucked me over.

SHE FUCKED ME OVER.

Who was I to be wasting my tears and energy on the two individuals who were the main source of my pain, I'll always remember them as two sick and twisted people but first as my friends.

Mi hatred overpower mi love.

I grabbed the black pouch and took out an already rolled spliff.

Puff after puff, no noise, no one, nothing.

One thing eno, weed really ago mek you medz life different.

As smoke entered my lungs, simultaneously thoughts entered my mind.

What was my purpose in this life?

Wah mi good fa?

I had no job.

But mi nuh bruk?

No friends.

Sad bitch.

No kids.

Fuck dat!

My day to day life only consisted of sitting back, going to therapy and running errands once in a while, but I had dreams. Suddenly, my phone rang, startling me a bit.

"An inmate from Kingston Federal Prison is attempting to contact you."  An automated voice said as I answered the call. My face lit up, sensing who was on the other side of the phone.

" BIG BATTY JAZARIAHHHH!!!! " The voice shouted when I accepted the call.

" Wah gwaan Melissa. " I laughed

" A bag a sumn ina dis ya place, you know seh a from you lef mi tell dem fi put you pon mi call log an apparently a jus now it a guh thru. " She said

"Jah know? A suh dem stay eno." I replied, as odd as it may have sounded hearing her voice was so comforting even while knowing she must have been breaking a few rules to be calling me after lights out.

"Enough bout me, weh you up to? From you lef is like you rich and switch, all sound like ya get accent too." She said and my knees went weak from the laughter stirring up a storm inside me.

"Girl, a chru u nuh know how life ave me pon a hardcore backaz ya now." I said still laughing.

She then drifted off into her usual self, muttering some stories from when she was younger and I happily sat down and entertained her, not having any thing constructive to do.

"Alright den girl, one a di wardna bwoy dem a come round and a theif mi a theif weh call suh lata." She said and hung up before I could even answer.

I laughed and shook my head.

"One Cokes eno." I said placing down the weed and soon after I fell asleep.