Fluorescents

82

"Oh the last time I saw Paul
I was horrible and almost let him in"

I step out of the bathroom, going against his request and leaving the door slightly ajar as I step out and raise the volume to the music he instructed me to play to try and make him more comfortable. Alex continues to vomit on the other side of the door and I sit down on the floor in front of it, hurting at the sound of him in pain. The sound is much too familiar and I try my hardest to hold back tears but fail miserably. I unfortunately experienced way too many withdrawals both personally as well as from others. Whether it was my uncle slick, Brandon, or the friends I kept around me prior to getting my life together.

"I'll be your morning bright goodnight shadow machine" I sing along to the music, tears caressing my cheeks as I fight a series of flashbacks and a panic attack. It's all too familiar. The pained purging, the gasps for air, the completely uncontrolled sobs.

His skin is practically clear and gray as he comes from behind the door, my legs quickly rise and rush towards him his skin ice cold under my fingertips when I finally get a hold of him. I kiss his bicep as I walk him to the bed, laying him down and bringing him several wet rags to try and control his body temperature. The withdrawals are much worse than I experienced with my uncle slick. Something I never thought id experience again. Especially not from someone I ever thought i'd let so close to me.

" I'm sorry love." He apologizes as I lay next to him, my arms hugging his biceps as he lays weak and cold on-top of the bed, next to me. I brush my fingertips up and down his bicep, reassuring him without words. " I didn't think I'd get this way, but yet again everyone thinks that way when they try to let any drug go, I'm an idiot."

"Hey, hey, hey, I'm proud of you" I reassure him, I had rehearsed a series of different speeches to recite to him when he had finally exited the bathroom but I hadn't grown the courage to speak them. I want to. More than anything. I want to tell him just how much it means to me that he's letting it go. I want to tell him how much I love him, how's much he means to me. Yet again I'm afraid. Afraid of so many different outcomes to whatever we have going on. I am well aware that I have yet to completely think about us and what that means for his real life but I don't want to. I want to hold out longer, I want to live in this personal piece of heaven we've created for ourselves in this humid tour bus.

" Where the actual fuck have you guys been?" The voice beams loudly and we rush to get up from the bed and our feet. Derek's voice echoes through the bus and scratches through the seams of our bubble, almost as if right on cue with my thoughts. " Everyone has been looking for you everywhere Alex, there is no fucking way that you're going to ruin everything everyone around you has created for some fucking whore or for some fucked up little fix of yours! I'm SICK of it!" Derek goes on and on, completely ignoring my presence in the midst of the chaos as if I'm just another one of the spider webs latched onto the curtain windows.

" You've gone mad mate, I'll be there in a second." Alex finally claims, in a much more calm tone than I've ever expected. Derek is shocked as well as he immediately stops his screaming and stands still in his spot, he clears his throat and nods his head shortly after. I look between the both of them, before Derek finally notices me in the corner, granting me a smile that quickly fades as he realizes that Alex's length of disappearance coincides with mine.

" No fucking way-" he scoffs. " With this fucking asshole? God you sure are a piece of work Jocelyn." Derek shakes his head in disbelief very obviously struggling to come to terms with the reality in front of him. " he's gonna hurt you" he shrugs his shoulders, with a smug look implanted on his features. " and I won't be there to pick up the pieces." His ego clouding any other logical thought in his brain as he speaks.

He shakes his head before rolling his eyes and storming away. A week ago I would have chased after him, and by the way I feel Alex's eyes instantly fall to his feet and the breathe I hear him suck in I can tell that he expects me to as well.

" Let's get you cleaned up and out there." I rub his shoulders, placing kisses on his bare biceps and leading him back inside into the hotel.

A/N: Guys I'm so old now and I still remember how this book is meant to end and I originally was going to write a second book but obviously I don't think anyone is reading this anymore I'm so sorry😭