Back From The Moon. (Maddie.)

13- Nobody's Home.

Maddie sat alone in her hotel room. Tomorrow was the day. Today was just the calm before the storm, or for her, the rain before the lightning. She thought she would spend it sleeping, but sleep would not succumb to her. She tried to write a speech to introduce his last song, but words would not come to her either. She instead found herself staring at the black screen of the television in the silent room. Her phone chimed several times next to her, though she did not look to see who had reached out nor did she respond. It was difficult for her to function today. The laptop remained open on Word, untouched, the only light in the room. The sun was shining in a few small rays through the black-out curtains. Still, she sat, staring at the black screen. 

There was a knock from housekeeping earlier, which she had politely declined. Told the lady at her door she had enough clean towels without ever opening the door for her. She didn't, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered to her, she let herself succumb to her sadness. Just for today, she told herself, tomorrow is for him. Tomorrow she was going to share him with his fans, and express to them how much they meant to him.

She wondered how people coped after losing half of them. She had been a walking zombie for the first month and a half. For the second month, she had turned to drugs and alcohol to forget. Forgetting never came, she was left with numbness instead. The numbness was worse. It reminded her too much of reading those letters, too much of not feeling like herself. Now, she is in the place where she met him, where they had made many of their memories together. She is feeling everything. Crying every day was not something she did. She was never one to let herself break down. But since he passed, crying was all she ever did. The smallest things would remind her of him, from the brand of her eyeliner to chord progressions in songs that played on the radio. Missing him was the worst feeling. 

She missed him when the wind blew. She missed him when she woke. She missed him when she slept. She missed him when she sat at the bakery with the pastry she wouldn't eat. She missed him when she looked at the stars. And she missed him the most when she saw the moon reveal herself in the dark velvet sky. 

She can never find beauty in a world without him. Every star she had seen since had seemed dimmer. Every color on earth is darker and duller without him. Every park and building and song had less glimmer and beauty. Nothing was pretty without his light shining on it. Without his touch, even she wasn't as pretty as she used to be. Thin and dull. Nothing quite as beautiful as the smile she didn't get to see anymore. He was her sun, she was his moon. 

Maddie just wanted to stop. She wanted to stop fighting, to stop trying to be okay anymore. She wanted to give up, she wanted to let go. There was no more reason to fight. No more reason to try. She was just so tired. 

Tired of tears, tired of fighting, tired of living. Tired of waking up and for a split second, turning to see him. Tired of being disappointed after seeing the empty space next to her. She didn't think she could bear the disappointment again and again for the rest of her life. 

In the first month, she begged for God to cut her loose. To give her the strength to let herself go. To help her understand. She begged God to bring him back, just bring him goddamn back. Perform a miracle, make it a dream. Do something, but do not ever leave her in this pain. She never wanted to feel this pain, she would not wish this on anyone. 

Another knock rapped the door to her hotel room, to which she responded in a rough, unused voice, "I already declined cleaning. Thank you."

"It's not housekeeping, Maddie." She heard from outside the door. She wiped the tears from her face, sighing. Apparently not even mourning is sacred. 

"Nobody's home." She replied, closing her eyes and leaning into the headboard.

"Come on, Maddie." The voice called, knocking again.

"Fine, Fine. I'm coming to the door, hold on." She called, stretching her legs as she tied her hair up. No time to brush. No time to clean up. Oh well. When she opened the door, she found someone she'd never thought would come to check on her. 

"Gabe?" She questioned, letting him in. 

"Hi," He said awkwardly as Maddie flipped on the lights, "I heard you weren't answering Cole's texts, I was in the area. He wanted me to make sure you were still here."

"Ah, so you didn't come of your own volition." She realized, inwardly irritated with Cole for sending someone to check on her. She's never been brave enough to do what Dalton did. She didn't think that she could. Not after seeing what happens after. 

"No, but I figured you needed someone anyways. I heard you were going to speak at the concert, to introduce his song. I figured I could help you find the words." He offered, a thin-lipped smile gracing his face. 

"Yeah, I don't even know what to say. Do I get all gospel, or inspirational, or maybe get myself committed? What can I say? What do I say? I don't know," She admitted, "If you're willing to help, I'd gladly accept it."

"I wouldn't offer if I wasn't," He commented, sitting in the chair placed next to the bed. "What do you have so far?" 

"Nada. Nothing. Zilch." She showed him her document. Gabe took the laptop from her and jotted down a few lines. He shook his head and held the back key. Then, he wrote a few more lines. 

"How about this?" He asked, handing her the laptop. 

The paper read,

"Hello everyone, I wanted to thank you for taking the time out of your lives to appreciate one that meant the world to me. This loss is devastating, to us, and to you. We have spent the last few months wondering what happened, and why this happened to us.

Maddie read this and added some lines, and returned the computer to Gabe. "And this? do you think this would be okay?"

"That's really good actually. It's personal and all, but I think it'll be appreciated," He agreed, "Listen, I know I'm not the best with people. But I want you to know that I am here to listen if you need somebody. I can't give you words like everyone else. I can't be the person who is supportive like that. But I can support you this way."

"I appreciate it, I do. I don't think I can handle another peptalk from people who don't get it. No one knows what this is like, being the one left behind. Leaving a friend; it's different than a relationship." She told him, sighing. He nodded, rereading the changes to her speech. He added a few more lines where he saw they were necessary.

"I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. I just want to be able to wallow right now. It's all I want to do." She mentioned as he continued to work. Silence fell between them as they passed the laptop back and forth, perfecting the words she was going to speak for Dalton. Gabe kept silent and didn't mention the silent tears on her face. He didn't mention anything, and just let her be. That is all she wanted, and he was more than happy to comply.

On his way out, after they'd finished writing her speech, he hugged her. "You need to answer Cole's text messages and tell him you're alive. I already did but he will want to hear from you."

"I will, I promise. I'll see you tomorrow. Thank you." She nodded, tilting her head toward her phone. 

"No problem, Maddie. I'll see you tomorrow." He called on his way down the hall. She shut the door, turned off the lights, and sat on the bed. 

12 missed texts from Cole, and 1 missed text from her mother. 

She answered Cole first, proclaiming that she was fine and she will see him tomorrow. 

She answered her mother, telling her that she was doing fine, and she will see her soon. 

She then returned her phone to the nightstand and looked up at the black screen of the television. The silence claimed her thoughts once more.