Rainy Days

Eralin:

I was never one to complain about anything, I always just kept my mouth shut and went along with everything my parents told me to do. But sometimes, a feeling deep inside of me told me that my life that I was living wasn't the life I was supposed to live, it was not the sole purpose of my existence, I was made to do something different, I was made to meet different and to follow a path in life that wasn't this one. This feeling came and went, it left me a little unsettled at those moments, yet I still somehow trusted this feeling.

I grew up living a strange life, I was praised over every little thing I did. I always got compliments on my looks and my parents never got angry at me. But, parents raised me strictly. Since the day I could walk the words: grace, feminism, and perfection were drilled into me. I was forced to do a lot from a very young age. I never got the chance to get in touch with mother earth. I was modeling, dancing, acting and playing instruments since I was 3 years old. 

My family members had always been pretty distant from one another. Dad was always at work and was rarely home before dinner. My mother was the typical housewife, taking care me, I have an older brother, yet my mother never seemed to even look at him. I grew up having no relationship with my brother, we didn't hate each other, but we just ignored each others presence. When I got a little older we luckily form a connection and I realized how much I regretted the fact that I never really took the initiative to form a connection with him early on.

My mother had already had everything perfectly planned out for me since I came out of her. I couldn't play outside with the other kids because my mother thought I would be influenced by others and ruin her perfect little child. My older brother was the opposite as me, we rarely saw each other and barely spent time together because he could do what he wanted, he could play outside, have ill-mannered friends and he could sleep over at his friends. I needed to focus on ballet lessons, take acting classes and focus on learning to play violin and piano. 

Even though I had the most perfect life one could ever ask for. I was loved by so many, I was rich and I had everything a girl could dream of. When I turned 11 and started to be aware of things I always felt like something was missing. A piece that I couldn't quite place what it exactly was that was missing. Once I felt that feeling, thoughts like leaving this place one day, the place where I grew up, created all the memories I currently have.

Looking back now that I am older, I realize things I never grasped when I was younger. 

Genuine love, and true happiness

I still sometimes feel really guilty about the fact that I could never accomplish true happiness from my family even though they did everything for me. I never experienced that unbreakable and proper family bond, and I knew from a young age that something like that was never possible for me to achieve.