Rainy Days

Let's Fucking Party: Esra

I feel embarrassed. Maybe my mind is just fucking with me because I basically fell in love with Rain on sight, maybe my trauma's from the past are weighing down on me that I start creating people and scenario's in my dreams that never happened. Perhaps I'm just so desperate for a relationship that when a girl is just even slightly attractive it's on sight? AGH why am I overthinking and being so paranoid over something like this?!?!?! Does Rain feel the same thing when she looks at me, or am I just the crazy person?! Actually now that I think about it....I totally forgot what happened at the cafe earlier this week, I straight up started ugly crying out of nowhere and looked her right in the eyes and said the most embarrassing shit ever! Damn I'm a mess. I just realized that I am sitting here on my lazy ass at home when I should be getting ready for a night out with Ella and Han, Rain said she couldn't make it because she already had plans with her other friends. Such a bummer I secretly looked forward to seeing her in her party clothes.

I also thought over tonight as well. I never went out of my house after that incident when I was 16 because I was scared of a sleazy old man would do something to me again. But this time I am not alone because I have Ella and Han. Ella has a big mouth and Han is kind of scary when he wears clothing that reveals his tattooed strong arms. It will be alright, if I feel uncomfortable I will just ask them to step outside, but what if they start to think weirdly of me because I'm a traumatized little girl that thinks disgustingly about her used body? I know that my brain is entering overdrive when I stand in front of the mirror, in these very revealing bandana top sticking onto my body. My butterfly tattoo on my collarbone and my compass tattoo on my thigh peaking from under the ripped black denim shorts. I feel naked, yet it feels nice to see myself so dressed up and pretty, it's been a while.

I walked out my apartment door with confidence. I was ready to party again and forget about my trauma with parties and just create new memories tonight. I looked good, I felt good and nothing could stop me, well...except uncle Charles....he was hesitant to let me go, especially when he saw me in the outfit I was wearing, knowing about my traumas with partying and stuff. I gave him a confident smile as a confirmation that I would be okay. I told him that I got invited by friends and that they would be with me for the whole night. Uncle walked up to me and told me to be aware of everything, to always watch my drinks and to always watch out for creepy men, he handed me something. I gave it a closer look, it was a pink lipstick...?
"I got a test product from my business partner, they make gadgets for women to make sure they're able to protect themselves from strangers, lately it's been happening a lot so that's why I asked them to give me one." I smiled at him and thanked him, he waved me goodbye as uncle Charles' personal driver took me to the location I was supposed to meet my friends. 

Let's party tonight!