Rainy Days

What Do I Do? (Rain)

The past few weeks has been very very strange, random crying to having strange emotions running through my head or just feeling waves of sadness overwhelming me. Mila and Nana ordered me to take a break from performing, Yunho and Koyuki got pretty pissed the other day from my playing, my emotions were very noticeable and it was clashing with the sound everybody else was making. I decided to focus on singing rather than playing, writing my own songs and I came up with some pretty stupid stuff like:

"The very first day we met,
I never thought I would feel this way
You locked your eyes with mine
You awoke something  inside"

I suck at writing love songs so I gave up. I kept picturing Esra in my head, her soft voice ringing in between my ears. I sound like I'm in love, and the fact that I don't even know her that well and feel this way unsettles me. I am scared, scared of the fact that I feel an unfamiliar feeling that I never felt before towards her, yet when I'm around her it almost seems...natural, perhaps even comforting. I need to take a few days off and just rest, lately my brain has been in overdrive. My nights have become restless with my recurring dreams about the exact same girl with the exact same setting, holding hands, running through the sand and kissing at the peaceful sunset. Only a few nights ago there was something new that never happened before, images of a rainy day, blood on my hands and screams around me kept flashing by in a split second, gunshots, two of them, my vision became blurry ,I felt a sharp sting in my eyes and I felt tears slowly running down my cheeks. 

Ever since I saw those images so clear I wake up with massive headaches and my face wet from salty tears, looking into the mirror and seeing bloodshot eyes, bags under my eyes.. When I sat down during my break together with the three of them I got concerned looks from them, Ella specifically said "It looks like you've been crying, did you experience heartbreak?" Han pulled at a strand of her hair. Esra looked away shyly and didn't dare to look my into my eyes after that "thing" happened at the cafe two weeks ago. The overall vibe between the three of us was gloomy, Han and Ella are completely clueless on what was going on. I am also in a loss on what to do. Esra looks unsettled, should I go talk to her? How do I even approach her?! I can't just randomly start up a conversation with her and be like: "Hey Esra! You know what's kind of strange? I don't even know you that well but I feel like I'm desperately in love with you and you make my heart flutter!!" No. Absolutely not.

Just thinking about this makes me dizzy. I can't bear this stress on my own I need to tell somebody about this, definitely not Han or Ella because they would just laugh. Maybe I should just ask...Mila and Nana..Yunho maybe...? No they're too busy dealing with HEARTBACK. I heard that they've recently got a venue that they need to prepare for. While I was procrastinating, my phone rang "Big Sister Yijin" I picked up and the first thing I heard was "Bonjour mon cheri do you perhaps want to go on a date today? I just arrived at the airport and called for a taxi so I'll be there in 1 hour."  I was beyond happy to hear her voice, besides she's finally back in San Francisco in 8 months . She's the right person to talk to, she's 27 year old that probably has a lot of experience and has plenty of advice to give me, "Of course, I'll tell Yunho you're back home-" "No, that's okay I'll just surprise him!" I smiled and agreed to meet at the cafe in an hour. I was so glad that I get to talk to somebody I trust and I see as a sister. I need to get this off my chest. I need to settle my emotions so I can give the best performance tonight.