He Hates Me

27

My life is so fuck up. I never been this damage. They say pain is part of love.
Pero bakit parang inaabuso naman ako ng pananakit?

I just want to be happy. To be loved and loved people more than my life,but does it has to be like this?

Why do i have to  feel pain in every time i felt happy?

Why do i have to have this kind of life?

Hanggang pangarap na lang ba talaga ako?

I cried before sleeping, i cry everytime I got the chance to cry.
Im tired crying.

I'm tired questioning myself am i unworthy?hindi ba ako worth it mahalin?hindi ko ba deserved maging  happy?

Dahil kung hindi ano pang silbi na nabuhay ako kung ganito lang din naman.

I look at my phone ng mag-vibrate.  I stared at the caller ID.

They've been calling me since last night. But i just ignored their calls.  I dont want to talk to them.i dont want to hear their explanation dahil sa ngayon nakasara ang isip ko.

I dont feel anything but anger. Anger for all of them  for fooling me,lying to me.

If only i can predict what will happen maybe hindi ako masasaktan.

Sa bawat minutong mag-isa ako mas lalong bumibigat ang loob ko. In every corner of this room remind me of him.

It reminds me how sweet he was,how he took care of me. And this room is the witness of his confession,our first i love you, and making love.

Fuck kung pwede ko lang alisin ang puso ko para wala akong sakit na maramdaman ginawa ko na.

I look at my baby bump,im sorry if i failed to give you a complete family. Im really sorry.

Forgive mama.

But i promise you na hindi ka masasaktan katulad ng ginawa nila sa akin. If we have to leave in this town.

Then we will.

I look at my phone when it vibrated again.

Pikit mata kong sinagot ang tawag bago itapat sa tenga ko.

"I'm sorry." Yan  unang bungad sa akin. Hindi ako nagsalita. "I'm sorry hon please come home. Please don't leave me." I heard a sobs my tears started pooling on the corners of my eyes until it  slowly falls down my cheeks.

Sana katulad ng luha kapag pinahuran ng panyo ay mawawala agad. Na kapag nagsorry na mawawala na ang sakit pero hindi.

Silence

Silence

Dinig ko ang pagtawa niya sa kabilang linya. "I hurt you but i still has the guts  beg for you to come home. Maybe mom's right i don't deserved you, your to good to be mine ,I'm a fucking asshole for hurting you." Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para hindi makatakas ang mga hikbi ko.

"I'm sorry, but i don't want to let you go hon, in those time were together you made me feel the real happiness,you light up my world. You made me feel the real love. I'll never love again if it's not you.please come back home,come home baby i miss you. " he cried i drop my phone i covered my mouth with my two hands. " i tell you everything just come home." He added walang ibang maririnig kung hindi ang mga iyak namin.

Gusto kong sumigaw sa sakit.
I cried and cried until my eyes give up.

I want to rest from taking any pain dahil nakakadrain yung palagi ka na lang nasasaktan.

Ayoko na this time i will choose myself.pipiliin ko naman ang sarili ko ngayon dahil gusto ko din sumaya ng walang sakit na nararanasan.

Nakatulog ako ulit sa kakaiyak when i woke up medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Bumangon ako at dumeretso sa banyo.