egoist // yuyeon.

11.

"Stop. Stop!"

My breath hitches. I wait with my eyes shut as I feel her get off of me, then I jolt up from her bed as she curls up and hugs her knees, covering her naked body.

"Is everything—"

"No. Give me those." Soyeon says, pointing at a chair in the corner of the room where she's put some clothes. I grab them and hand them to Soyeon, but she doesn't move.

I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't.

"Do you wanna—"

"No. I don't," Soyeon interrupts, again, facing away from me. "Could you go? Please?"

I sigh, quickly pulling on my oversized shirt and holding my shorts and panties in my hand. As confused and frustrated and... I don't even know what else I'm feeling right now, I can't push Soyeon to tell me what the fuck happened and why she just panicked like that, so I leave her room and close the door.

I stand right outside her room for a second and just... breathe. Haku and Mata stare at me. I'm blocking their way into Soyeon's room. Well, Haku's way, anyway. I'm pretty sure Mata is staring at my clit or something while sitting cutely in front of me. I bend down to pet her and she sniffs.

"Interesting down there, huh?" I whisper. Mata stops sniffing and licks my hand. Haku sits by Soyeon's door, waiting for it to be opened so he can go cuddle with her. Maybe that's all she needs right now. Haku.

"Sorry, bud." I say and rub his head. He whines and paws at the door. I hear Soyeon mumble something indistinct from inside. She definitely knows I'm still right here. After nothing is said or done, Soyeon speaks again.

"Let him in." She says, still faintly but loud enough so I can hear. I leave her door ajar and Haku enters, wagging his tail. I hear him climb onto the bed and then Soyeon talking cutely to him. I leave for my room with Mata.

She barks at me for some reason as I get fully dressed, and then she climbs up on my bed. I lay down, turn off the light, and pull the covers over us. Mata growls.

"What? Mad we were fucking?" I whisper. She stops growling, and I can't help but laugh. I pet the spot under her ear and think. Think about the whole... experience and what happened right before.

I didn't do anything. Soyeon kissed me herself. Soyeon kissed me first.

We made out. Got undressed. She got on top of me. I pleased her, supposedly, while pleasing myself too. But thinking about the whole thing, as much as I'm cringing, Soyeon seemed panicked.

"I can't, Yuqi. For a number of reasons."

For a number of reasons, she can't let herself love me. She won't let herself love me. I have questions. I thought we agreed to move on, even though I sure have been thinking constantly about the past. But I still love her, even though I think about it. Why can't Soyeon do the same? Why can't we accept the past and love each other.

"Why, Soyeon? Why?" I whisper, with my eyes closed, imagining she's next to me and I'm caressing her neck instead. I come to my senses soon though and feel Mata's soft fur. I feel her breathing fall on my face, and I can guess she's asleep. I still don't open my eyes. I wanna think Soyeon is on the other side, hugging Mata aswell.