egoist // yuyeon.

3.

My phone ringing snaps me back into reality. I sigh, and see that it's my mom.

"Hey mom. How's Europe?" I ask.

"It's beautiful, Yuqi. We're in Italy right now and it's a very pretty place. Anyway, how are things going?"

"Pretty good," I say, glancing at Soyeon who is staring at me. I hear a voice on the other end and, as expected, my mom has to go. I tell her to have fun, and hang up. Soyeon looks down. We haven't spoken in an hour.

"We should probably eat dinner," I say.

"I'm not hungry." She replies.

"Come on, you haven't eaten anything all day." I persist. Soyeon sighs.

"You won't take no for an answer, will you?" She says. After what I got caught doing today, I should just leave her alone. Soyeon hasn't showed the slightest bit of emotion since that incident.

"Sorry," I say, my voice slightly tinier. "I'm sorry about today."

"It's—"

"It's not fine. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be snooping through your stuff like that," I say. I should just be honest with her. "Honestly I just wanted to see if you had any... I don't know. Reminder of me, maybe? Or if you wrote in a diary about missing me or what I did or—"

I'm cut off by Soyeon hugging me. Basically throwing herself onto me, and crying on my shoulder. The last time I saw Soyeon cry was, well, five years ago, when I did the irreversible and fucked things up for her and between us. So why is she being so nice to me? I don't fucking deserve it.

I run my fingers through Soyeon's soft hair as she cries. I don't bother asking what's wrong. I probably shouldn't, anyway. As I guide her to lay down again, I feel like crying too.

"I'm sorry." I mutter again, pointlessly, as a tear rolls down my cheek. "I've missed you every day and I've had so many regrets and I wish I had said and done better stuff and..."

I breathe.

"And I... I don't know. You've always been so amazing and so nice to me and I just—"

"Please stop." Soyeon says just above a whisper. I stop. She hugs me tighter, and I sigh. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. I want to tell her so many things, but it isn't time yet. I wanna tell her about my crush on her. I wanna tell her how much I still love her and wanna kiss her and say I'm sorry about everything all day and night.

But it's not time yet. I'm tired of thinking so much. I wish things could be as simple as they were back then. I loved her, but I hid my crush on her from the world because lesbians were "gross", parents would ground me, and who knows what else.

I often reminisce on my missed chance. Soyeon told me she likes girls one night. I could've confessed. I should've confessed.

I just said "me too".

.   .   .

My head is spinning.

I'm crouched over the toilet, retching and trying to throw up for the third time now. I cried so much that I felt sick to my stomach, and now here we are, with Soyeon holding my hair back.

As I finally get something out of my stomach again, I lean against Soyeon's chest. I can guess this might be pissing her off, but I feel too weak to stand and my eyes are burning. They're burning so bad..

"I'm sorry," I choke out in between sobs. "I'm sorry. I made this about myself again."

"Shh," Soyeon says, running her finger through my hair after flushing the toilet. I move away and look at her.