Find You

Pomp and Circumstance - Sir Edward Elgar

I cuddled the pillow beside me in my sleep before I felt a hand on my arm and I immediately jumped out of bed at full speed. My heart was pounding as I struggled to find any oxygen in the room. I could see Nick through the morning light as my jump shook him awake. He squinted as he looked around the room. His eyes finally landed on me.

"Nessa?"

I tried to fight back the hyperventilating that seemed to be inevitable. I tucked my head in my knees and closed my eyes. I tried taking deep breaths but somehow I had lost all ability to force my lungs to expand and contract. Where is the air?

She could hear Nick's voice but she couldn't understand a word he was saying. Her brain had gone into overdrive checking every inch of her body for some sign of injury. Is she hurt? Did he hurt her? Why is he here? She tried to ascertain the situation but with her inability to even move, she struggled to produce anything more than tears. She sat frozen in a state of seemingly perpetual panic before her brain function returned.

Oxygen started to fill my lungs again after a while and I took that as an opportunity to finally pull my head out from between my legs. I inspected my arms and legs carefully. Not a scratch. I don't remember anything before someone touched my arm. That means I'm okay, right?

I looked around my room to see my door still locked and a worried Nick sitting beside me on the floor. It took me a moment to recall that I had let him in here. As soon as I did, I felt guilt wash over me. I really put him through all of this even though he hadn't done anything wrong.

"Hey," he whispered cautiously.

I shook my head before eyeing the bed. The pillow was still in place. The entire space was completely undisturbed except for the now empty bed.

"You slept in my room," I mumbled.

Nick eyed me nervously, "I didn't mean to. I just kind of... fell asleep. I'm sorry."

I thought back to the fact that I had kept him out all night and all day. Really, it was my fault.

I shook my head, "I'm sorry I'm being so weird." I looked out my window to see the barely rising sun. It is way too early to be awake. It is way too early to be in this position.

"It's okay, I'll get out of your hair."

"No, don't," I whispered. Even though I did want him to leave. I was afraid that if I kicked him out he'd stop being my friend after something like this.

Nick sat beside me awkwardly for a moment before a yawn slipped past his lips. His yawn provoked mine and reminded me that it was definitely too early for any of this.

I took a deep breath before crawling back into bed where I used to be. Nick watched me carefully from his space on the floor. I stared at him for a moment wondering how to say the words without actually saying the words.

"Um, can you-" I looked over at the space on the other side of the pillow where Nick used to rest.

He offered me a concerned tight lip smile before coming to sit beside me. I took a deep breath as the bed shifted under his weight. "Sorry, I just... never shared a bed with anyone before."

Nick nodded sadly at me.

"What's wrong?"

His head dipped as he slumped down, collapsing into himself like a dying star, "I didn't mean to scare you."

I shook my head, "It's not your fault, I'm just weird."

He bit his lip as he leaned on his right hand beside me. I reached across the pillow divider to hold his hand. He looked over at me with those sad brown eyes and I desperately wanted to give him a reassuring hug. And yet, at the same time, I didn't. I was stuck between what I wanted and what I was too scared to do.