Find You

Summertime Sadness - Lana Del Rey

In June I flew home to LA to spend time with my family and with Nick.

I came back to my old room to find Berry waiting for me with a giant grin, "sugarplum! You're back!"

She engulfed me in a hug and tackled me onto my bed. I giggled.

"I didn't know you'd be here."

"I'm supposed to be studying for a final but I didn't want to miss you coming home!"

"I feel so special," I admitted with a laugh.

"Yeah, you were supposed to."

We finally sat up before Berry bombarded me with questions, "so, how you liking New York?"

I shrugged, "It's not so bad now that it's warmer. I mean, there's still people everywhere, which can be a little overwhelming, and..."

"Would you want to live there?"

"I do live there."

"Yeah, but long term?"

I shrugged, "I don't know, I'm starting to feel like I have two lives now. I have friends out there and I have a video interview to be a research assistant next week and I feel like being there is pushing me to stay there, but-"

"But?"

I bit my lip, "I like the people here. Also, I was born here and I just like it here better, I think?"

Berry listened to me intently.

"I don't know, maybe if I could bring my New York people here?"

She smirked, "you have this crazy idea of trying to keep people forever, you know?"

"Well, yeah, but if they're good people, why wouldn't you want to keep them?"

She rolled her eyes playfully, "it's irrational, you've gotta learn to rotate."

I stared at her confused.

"Okay, so try to think of it as when you were a kid and you had your stuffed animals. So you'd have a favorite one and that's the one you'd sleep with until you had another favorite and then you'd switch them out. Or sometimes you'd just be in a different mood you know?"
She shrugged, "I don't know you can still go back to old favorites but you're not going to stick with it forever just because, right?"

I bit my lip knowing my confession would not go over well.

"What?"

"I slept with all of my stuffed animals."

"Yeah, exactly, that's what they're for."

"No, like at the same time."
Berry stared at me in silence for a moment. "Are you serious?"

I didn't respond, I didn't know how.

She sighed, "oh, you piss me off. Who does that? That's weird, Vans!"

"I didn't want them to feel excluded or left out," I defended quietly.

"They were stuffed animals! They didn't have feelings."

I shrugged, "they did to me."

"Didn't you have like a hundred stuffed animals, how did you fit them all in your bed?"

I blushed, recalling the memories, "I used to set them all around me or on top of me or wherever they fit and then I just... wouldn't move so that they wouldn't fall off."

A smile pierced her concerned exterior, "you're too sweet for this world. I mean, truly. I see a lot of who you are and what your goals are in life and I worry for you."