Finney x Robin / BlackPhone FanFic

Chapter 11

TW : SELF HARM

In the small white room I was in, all I could hear was the loud ticking of the clock. The walls are covered with drawings. Probably by kids given the level. The smell was like medical gloves, and the room was cold and gloomy, like the white walls of a hospital. The woman asked me if I was okay. I shrugged and waited for her to speak again.

"So Finney, what can you tell me about your mother?" Asked the woman, waiting patiently for my answer.

"Um..I-I don't know..She-She was kind and loving." I said, looking at the ground, vacant.

I don't know why it's so hard to express what I'm feeling, it's like there's something stuck in my throat and can't get it out. But she looked at me like she understood how I felt.

"How are you feeling lately?"

What stupid question is this?

"I-I don't know, can't you tell? That's why I am here, right?" I answered, annoyed.

"Of course Finney. But I want YOU to express what you feel, all by yourself. It's okay, you can take your time sweetie"

Sweetie.. That word. That word haunts me for years. That's what mom said when I watch her died. "It's okay sweetie, everything that's been hard or heavy is going to go away"

I watched her die and all I can think about was none of it felt real... It was so quiet. I was so numb. I was just watching, and I didn't do anything to stop it.

Then I started talking about what happened in the basement and what happened with my mother. I felt guilty of being alive while the ones who really deserved it, were not. It felt like my heart was being shattered.

She wrote in her notebook and she looked at me. She said technical stuff I didn't know about, but she explained everything to me.

Survivor guilt.

This is a syndrome that occurs when a person thinks they have done something wrong when they survived a traumatic or tragic event that others didn't.

My eyes got a little wet when she said those words because I know how accurate it was. I felt guilty. Guilty of surviving while the others didn't. I'm not worth it. Why am still I alive? I feel like my past is trying to get me. All the dark shadows, all the weaknesses and insecurities, are trying to come at me. They're trying to hurt me, but the thing about shadows is that there is no way to escape them. You either come to terms with them, or the darkness swallows you whole.

After about forty minutes, I said goodbye to her and left the building. Robin and Gwen waited for me. They asked who was the meeting and I tried to explain everything to them, but I felt overwhelmed and couldn't explain it. Not now.

"Aw, man, I can't wait to beat the shit out of you guys at the arcade game !" Said Gwen, a little more excited than usual.

"You? I've got all the tricks. You can't compete with me" Answered Robin, confidant.

"Shut up you guys, you both suck" I said, smiling.

"Finney is only good at the basketball game" Said Gwen

"Yeah, I'm not surprised. Finn is also THE master at baseball" Answer back Robin

"Dickwat" I said to Robin, giggling.

When we got into the arcade games, we tried every possible game, and the truth was that Gwen won almost everything. Robin was such a sore loser, I never knew it. Yeah, I mean, he always wins everything.