Theron G. Dela Rea
That was the name printed on his tombstone. The doctor announced his gender and I wasn't wrong. I knew he was a he… I felt it. My father gave him a decent tomb in the cemetery while I spent a whole month in the hands of a psychiatrist.
Ilang linggo akong hindi makakilos ng maayos pagkatapos makalabas sa ospital. I remember being numb and couldn't talk for days. I heard everything but I couldn't respond to anything.
"Kasalanan ito ng mga Carvajal! It's their fault! We should sue them, Hernan!"
"Let's think about Nichoella first—"
"I am!" my mother wailed. "Oh god, what will people say about us if this spreads around the town?"
Sa puntong ito ay wala na akong pakialam sa opinyon ni Mommy. I don't care if she thinks about what people say instead of everything that's happening to me. There's no point.
My band was at its peak when everything happened. Our music went viral and everyone applauded us. Offers came to us like a wildfire. While my friends were celebrating, I was sitting alone and thinking about what I just lost.
"I'm sorry," Atasha hugged me when they knew. "I wish I could carry your burdens. I am so sorry, Nikki."
Ngumiti ako. "I'm okay…"
Atlas looked at me. He knew I was lying. He knew everything. Although, tumigil na si Mommy sa kakatulak sa akin kay Atlas, hindi naman ako tinigilan ni Atlas. I would sneak and go to the cemetery everyday and he would sneak behind me. Minsan, kasama si Atasha.
Umirap ako nang makita ko silang nakasunod sa akin pababa sa sementeryo. Pareho naming bitbit ni Atasha ang bulaklak galing sa graduation namin.
"I'll light the candles," naunang maglakad si Atlas sa akin.
Inakbayan ako ni Tasha. "Happy graduation!"
Ngumisi ako.
I watched Atasha place her bouquet beside the tomb. Habang nakakunot ang noo ni Atlas dahil panay ang ihip ng hangin sa kandilang sinisindi niya.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa bulaklak na hawak ko. I realized that I wasn't living my life for a year. I never felt genuine happiness after I lost him. Bawat gising ko sa umaga ay wala akong layunin kundi matapos ang araw. Hindi pa sumisikat ang araw, gusto ko na kaagad matapos. The same routine kills me everyday.
And I just wanted to disappear.
Umiling iling ako. I am in denial. Hindi ako makapaniwalang tumingin kay Hugo habang sari-sari ang emosyon sa mukha niya. Ghost was all over his face while I couldn't even try to absorb everything.
Sumugod ako at sinuntok ang dibdib niya. "You're lying! Tell me you're lying, Hugo!" humikbi ako.
Namula ang mata niya. His face turned red. He shook his head while he was staring at something, thinking about it.
"You responded!"
Tumitig siya sa akin. "What?"
"You responded, Hugo. You offered me your money and told me to not contact you again!" I wiped my face.
"What the fuck…" sinabunutan niya ang ulo niya at umatras sa akin. "Nichoella, I never received a letter…"
"What…" umiling ako. "Then who… who was that?"
"I don't know, baby…"
"Don't lie to me!" I almost begged. "Don't lie, please."
He shook his head while he covered his face. Kita ko ang pag-nginig ng balikat niya.
