Matalim kong tinignan si Hugo habang sinasarado niya ang pintuan ng suite ko. He looked at me with his soft eyes. Pumaymewang ako habang nakamasid sa kaniya.
He clenched his jaw and walked towards me. Umatras ako pero kaagad huminto nang yumuko siya ng kaunti upang matapatan ang mga mata ko. Mapungay ang mga mata niyang nanunuyo sa akin. He licked his lips.
"Are you hurt?"
Umirap ako. "I never did it, Hugo. I never aborted—"
"Shh…" malambing niyang hinawakan ang baywang ko para hilahin palapit sa kaniya. "I know you didn't. And if you did, it's okay… it's your decision to make, Nichoella. Don't listen to her."
Tumitig ako sa kaniya. He smiled slightly just to give me assurance. Slowly, a glimpse of my old Hugo entered my head. The same Hugo that once was mine.
"Bakit hindi mo siya pinili?" I asked out of the blue.
Tumawa siya at gigil na pinatakan ng halik ang kamay ko.
"Why? Hindi naman siya kasali sa choices. And there was never a list of choices, mahal."
"Oh, really?"
"Uh-hmm. Ikaw lang naman kasi, simula noong una."
Hindi ako nagsalita.
Tumalikod ako.
I know I'm fighting it. All this time I wasn't looking out for my feelings. But deep inside, I know something's up with myself. Kung dati halos itaboy ko si Hugo palayo sa akin, ngayon nagpapaanod na lamang ako sa mga hawak niya.
Should I be concerned?
Hugo didn't talk when I entered the bathroom. I didn't care if he stays there or he leaves. I left El Vicente to unwind but everything gets even more messier here. Siguro ay uuwi na lamang ako pagkatapos ng ilang araw.
Nagtagal ako sa bathroom ng halos isang oras. I was wearing a robe when I went out. Bumungad sa akin ang boses ni Hugo na nasa terrace at mukhang may kausap sa cellphone.
"I'll see if I can book a room here, Mama." narinig ko. "I'll tell you everything soon. Goodnight."
Nagmadali akong pumunta sa kama ko. Nagkunwari akong nag-aayos ng nighties. I felt him walk towards me and stopped behind me. Binato niya ang cellphone sa kama.
I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes when I felt his hands on my elbow. My knees are weakened by his touch and at the same time, awakened me.
Inalis ko iyon at yumuko para buksan ang bag ko. My behind touched a bit of his crotch. Tumayo ako kaagad nang maramdaman ko iyon.
"Can we talk, please…" he whispered behind me.
Iritado kong tinaboy ang kamay niya. "We're done talking, Hugo. Ano pa ba ang ginagawa mo dito?"
"I feel like we're not okay."
Hindi ako nagsalita. Malambing siyang umungol sa likod ko at hinawakan ang braso ko. I smelled a mixture of perfume and whiskey on him. Nilingon ko ang lamesa ko sa gilid at kita ko ang nangangalahating alak doon.
I cleared my throat. "Uminom ka?"
"We're not okay?" he whispered.
I sighed and turned to him. Kita ko ang matinding pamumungay ng mata niya at kaunting kurba ng labi.
"We're fine, Hugo. What do you mean?"
"Tayo. Okay ba tayo?"
"What do you mean 'tayo'? Walang tayo, Hugo."
