BE ON CLOUD UNIVERSE [END]

STRENGTH IN SURRENDER - MILEAPO

⚠️TW: miscarriage, pregnancy loss, infertility⚠️

APO POV

"You see these dark spots here? They're follicles."

Apo's life was defined by the lack of a line-a minus instead of a plus on a pregnancy test stick. He took vitamins, ate all-natural, cut out caffeine, exercised more, and made basal temperature graphs that a climatologist would be proud of. Nothing he tried had produced a change in outcome.

As time passed, Apo became convinced the barrenness would stretch on endlessly; faced with the prospect of a childless home, he found herself slipping into delirium. After a non-productive evaluation by the local obstetrician, he was referred to Legacy Fertility Center.

Accessing the clinic's website before his appointment, Apo lapped up testimonials of men, once as desperate as himself, whose "rainbow babies" manifested after a deluge of drugs and technological manipulation. Visions of full arms and toy littered floors taunted Apo, but now the mirages could become real and the desert escaped. At Legacy, miracles seemed to be promised.

Surprisingly though, arriving to his consultation at Legacy, there was no immediate satiation. Instead of bright color and extended hands, Apo was met by utilitarian walls and businesslike staff. As the clinic's physician, Dr. Pond, explained the varying gray shades of the ultrasound, how a subtle change in tone could mean everything, Apo experienced no renewal of hope.

Apparently, these numerous "dark spots" were a good omen a prelude to verdancy in a landscape Apo had previously believed to be inhospitable. Follicles contain eggs, and eggs hold potential for life. But, in each black hole displayed on the screen, Apo only saw the murk of his existence, or non-existence really.

Anger, guilt, jealousy, disappointment, shame... so steeped together in his mind that he could no longer distinguish one emotion from another. When had he become so unreadable, even to himself?

Apo recalled initially seeking solace in her husband, Mile.

"I want a bunch of mini yours running around," was his frequent compliment in the enamored days of their early marriage.

"As long as they have your eyes." His gaze, which used to be her assurance, now betrayed uncertainty-fear even-after the miscarriage.

Mile cared, Apo knew that, but the pair processed the loss differently- two forms of grief impossible to merge. They pretended to be alright, giving the semblance of pushing ahead and moving on- a tidal tease. Really, they struggled to reestablish connection. Date nights resulted in a quick withdrawal back into themselves- a mutual craving for space and quiet.

After four unfruitful years of "trying again," Mile's "i love you" lost their weight in Apo's gravitational pit, never finding their intended landing place. He took him for granted. Apo even stooped so low as to feel resentment when a home semen analysis acquitted Mile.

Was it completely deviant to want to be the normal one, or for both of them to be broken, so the trek would be less lonely? If only he'd chosen a different woman.

Next, Apo turned to his career. He clocked in early, met deadlines, took calls after hours, and anticipated client requests. It wasn't that he loved her job. Maybe in all the diligence and overtime, he could atone for losing the baby. Perhaps being uber efficient could distract from the true deficiency of his body.

Still, Apo did not feel any the more worthy or comforted. Unfortunately, the more time you spend around the same people, the more they want to be friends and know your story. Or, maybe Apo's coworkers simply recognized him guise. Resenting the recognition he received from management, they had figured out where to hit where it hurt the most.

Either way, the questions were coming more frequently.

"When are ya'll going to start a family?"

"The clock is ticking, don't you know?"

"Are you going to give it up when you have kids?"

Each new inquiry, whether well-meaning or not, was met with an increasingly sharp remark from Apo. How could he be so horrible-prone to cynicism and assuming the worst in those around him?

"Well, you know, your ultrasound appears normal... Anti-M hormone good, but egg quantity does not necessarily equate to egg quality. We can consider IVF...our success rates are excellent here... about 30% for a couple of your age... in cases of unexplained infertility likes yours, Letrozole and Clomid can be beneficial first...can put the two of you in contact with a financial counselor...."

Dr. Pond proceeded to string together broken sentences clouded by medical jargon, like he was still dictating to his computer versus talking to an actual person.

"You know what? I'm sorry for wasting your time, but i don't think i can do this. I don't want to do this."

Suddenly, Apo thought less about his own desire. For him, it was time to give up, to stop looking for answers and chasing consolation where it could not be found. He had been mostly deaf to Mile's excited chatter about "working for yourself and not someone else."

Treatment expenses would crush his dreams of entrepreneurship.

What about her family? Baby showers, graduations, birthday parties- any gathering where children may make an appearance or merely be mentioned-had been avoided at all costs. It shouldn't have been shocking to Apo that most bonds were now almost completely broken.

His nephews were practically college bound. The last time he saw his grandfather, they were building cabinetry together; now, he could barely stand. How could he catch up with and support those who once meant so much when he was travelling cross-country for a slew of medical tests and procedures?

Legacy was not the magical, healing oasis she had worked it up to be. Dr Pond gave no guarantee and the options he proposed were not without risk. This was not a pathetic throwing up of hands and falling to knees. This was a straight-backed, eyes-up surrender.

The longing to be a father would always be there, but it did not have consume him or hurt other people. Perhaps he would conceive naturally one day in line with a greater plan, or perhaps his womb would never be re-opened.

Right now, instead of trying to escape, he could explore and adapt to his environment. Apo felt sure there was a rich ecosystem hidden in the sand which could be tapped into a bounty not anticipated, but nonetheless fulfilling.

- THE END -