Rain POV
"Yeah." Nijay nodded. " Chris did tell me about you guys' history. It doesn't really bother me because we aren't together and you guys already had what you guys have going on before I got here."
"Yeah, everything is so different now. We built these friendships and everything because we were together. That's how everybody became so close. So the dynamic is very different now. And I feel like we are all trying to get back to how it was." She nodded.
"Do you still love him?"
"No." I lied. " honestly sometimes it feels like I do and then sometimes I don't if you get what I'm saying." I sipped on my drink.
" I mean that is understandable even though he has his problems he is a great person." I nodded. "it just seems like he carries the world on his shoulders. He cares so much about other people that he can really forget about himself."
" yes." I nodded.
I am not even gonna lie which is a little bit twisted.
" he does carry the world on his shoulders and then sometimes he has these moments where he just becomes very sad."
" I haven't been around to witness that yet. I am just talking from things that I picked up. I feel like me and him are just what we are. We're chilling and we're Vibin. I don't want to be in a relationship and neither does he. That's not where we see ourselves. I am in college and he is a D boy. I would never expect so much from him when he can't afford to give me anything, if that makes sense."
"Yeah."
" I am in college and I am young and I am experiencing life. That's all I can say right now because that is all that I am worried about right now. The same way his money comes before everything is the same way that my education and my future job and just my future in general comes before everything. I don't got time to be fucking around because I don't want kids like ever. I can't see myself having kids ever. I am just in the space in life where I want everything to be about me and if I have a kid I'm going to have to worry about other people and provide for other people and I don't see that for myself. At least right now. I am not mentally there."
"What you guys talking about?" Mark sat at the bottom of my lawn chair.
"College." She lied. " what we see in our future and shit like that."
"Oh okay."
"I am going to go check on Christopher, he hasn't called me in a minute with his clingy ass." We laughed and she went inside.
" are you OK?" He asked and I nodded.
"Yeah just a little tipsy." I kissed him.
"I can tell." He laughed. " how you holding up with this whole Chris situation?"
" I am fine, I am here with you and that is enough. I just need to stop overthinking everything and just have fun." He nodded.
" I came into this knowing that you were still going through those emotions. So I would never judge you for that and I am willing to wait, not to long, till you get in a space where you have overcome that."
" I have but is like an on and off thing. I know that I am happy with you but something in me still wants him to be by himself which is selfish but that is just how I feel."
" you have to come to terms that you and him are going to have partners and life is going to go on. Are you sure that you can really be his friend without having these feelings?"
"I don't know." I shrugged.
"Rain..." he sighed. "What are we doing then?"
" I wanna be with you. I really wish that I could control my feelings. I am where I wanna be, I love how you make me feel and I love how you treat me." He smiled. " I just have to ignore these feelings until they go away which was the plan anyway I would never disrespect you or cross the line."
Chris POV
"You okay?" Nijay walked in the room.
"Yeah, I was about to come get you."
"I am lit a little bit. Rain and I were talking about you." She walked over to me and I pulled her in by her waist. "She is still so in love with you." I sighed.
"Well she will get over it." I shrugged. "We are good like this. Just being friends."
Honestly if this is going to be the talk of the rest of the trip I would rather just go home. This shit makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. This is why I had a conversation with her before we even went on the trip. Everything was cool. She was back calling me every day checking on me but now that we're here it's something different.
" don't stress yourself out about it. It's fine, it's a part of life. While you were really dealing with your pain from the break up she was a masking it. Now she has no choice but to deal with it and it is not gonna be easy." She shrugged and her hands rubbed up and down my chest. "Did Myomi call you today?" She search through her bag.
"No." I sighed.
I don't know why she is making this so hard for me. We took the DNA test months ago and then it's like she's iffy about me being around the baby. I don't know what she think I am going to do to the baby or what's going to happen but she is confusing the shit out of me. This one experience makes me feel like I never wanna have a child ever again in my life.
" I am going to get in the shower and wash this chlorine off." I nodded she walked in the bathroom.
I decided to call Myomi Because I would never in my life want a child to fill us though at least my child to fill as though I don't want them. It all starts early. And if she's doing this to be spiteful to some level I can say I deserve it but it's not about us, it's about the child.
"Hello Chris."
"Wussup? What's been going on? You're never hit me up and tell me that the DNA test was back, you I never hit me up updating me on nothing. If the child is mine like we talked before I want to take care of her. I want to be involved every second of my child's life."
" i'm sorry. It's just been so much going on and by now I'm so used to doing everything by myself I forgot. I am not in state right now but when I get back we can definitely meet up and open dna test."
" come on Mi. This is crazy we did that shit like 9 to 10 months ago. You ain't been that busy. this shit is just a lot. I miss the first birthday because you weren't answering my calls and tell me where it was that. I feel like maybe you are trying to get revenge and make my life fucking miserable but come on. This is too much. I am really trying."
"Chris... I am sorry. I honestly didn't really think you cared that much and if this is really what you want and you are able to throw yourself into this life I am all for it. I just felt as though you know maybe you didn't want to be a part of her life." She sighed. " I apologize."
" at the end of the day that is my child. I would never make her go without a father or money or whatever she needs. I am not no deadbeat ass nigga. That will never be me. We have to get this shit together if not for us for her."
"Okay we can meet up when I get back in town."
" I'm actually outta the country right now but we have to get together soon."
"Fassure, i'll see you very soon."
"Okay." She hung up.
Shit it was surprising that she even answered my call. This is what I mean by I would never wanna be in this situation again. She has her head on straight this time but is not telling next time. She is all over the place when it comes to this shit. She can go as much eight months without answering my calls and randomly call me when she's drunk asking me to come over. This shit is just too much.
"The food is done." Bahia walked in.
"Thank you sis."
