Chris POV
"You know what I was thinking?" Nijay grabbed my hand and pulled it into her lap.
"What is that? You been real quiet." He sighed.
"Maybe you and Rain should have a conversation."
"Why? It is unnecessary."
" no it's not, you guys have serious problems that you guys need to talk about and work out. Something needs to happen because me and Mark are just around here running around like lost fucking puppies. Praying that one day you guys don't get up and leave us for each other." She snapped. " it's not hard to tell that you're avoiding her because you love her. Yes she has done a lot of shit to you but that doesn't make you stop loving her."
" I don't want to talk to her. What am I going to say when I talk to her? Hey you remember all those late night messages about you telling me how I'm such a fucked up person and you always hated me, yeah I got those. But I still want to let you know that it's no hard feelings- there are hard feelings. I don't wanna fucking be around her. I can keep it cordial because we have mutual friends. I will never disrespect her because at one point I did love her."
"You love her Chris."
"No I don't."
" Chris! Stop it, we both know I know you. I took four years of my life studying you like you were a fucking science experiment. So don't tell me bullshit or try to make me feel like I'm going fucking crazy." I sighed. " you love her and that is OK because you are human. But if you don't deal with that I feel like I am going to have to pay for what she did to you for the rest of my fucking life. That is something I will not put up with."
" you don't have to pay for shit that she has done. When did I ever make you feel like you had to-"
" I cannot tell you specific times, but there are times where I can tell that you don't trust me or you feel like I'm lying about certain things or you're so in denial to the fact that I am in love with you. You can't believe it even if I took a fucking lie detector test! I can't help you heal if you aren't willing to take the proper steps to heal. You aren't going to be able to move on until you get that closure that you keep searching for."
"Nijay, I am in love with you too but like we always say, we are young." She nodded.
" OK I understand that but you're not doing this because were young because I know what type of person you are. We both know what the fuck is going on here so please do not act stupid. Yes we are young but I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for you to fucking see me. I laugh and I joke about it but sometimes I do sit back and I think... what the fuck is going on? Why am I trying to convince myself that I don't want to be with you when I know that I do. I love you."
"Nijay i've been told you that I am waiting on you. I am on your time. You wanted to take things slow and that is exactly what we did. I can't do anything but respect you. I have always seen myself-" I paused.
" do not give me that bullshit. That's right suck it back the fuck in your mouth." She snapped. " You are saying a bunch of fucking bullshit Right now go to lead to a bitch who believe that shit. You really got me fucked up."
"Your mouth is ridiculous." I pulled my hand out of hers and she grabbed it and pulled it back.
" do not fucking play with me." She warned me. " you never saw yourself with me because you can't see yourself with anyone else because everybody that you deal with is going to have to deal with your heartbreak from someone that was four fucking years ago. Deal with it so you guys can get over it. You guys are hurting people. I will admit I have had nothing but good times with you. Yes we argue but we get over it, you have a show me such a great time in life and so many great experiences. And I thank you so much for that I will not take that away from you. I just don't understand what the fuck is going on here and I hate being confused. Confusion causes chaos in my mind. I don't have time to deal with that shit. I am on my second to last year of fucking school and I just have so much shit going on. i care about Jaz like she is mine, I worry about her every day all day. I worry about you every day all day. I worry about all of us... every last one of us. So me worried about you disappearing on me or something like that is not something that I need right now."
"Nijay, never in my life will I ever go back to her. She done said some unforgivable shit so you don't have to worry about that. I'm not interested, I will never be interested. Yes I do love her but I am not in love with her. She is the first female that I genuinely was in love with so I will always love her but I'm not in love with her anymore and I don't understand why nobody understands that. She broke me too many times and in too many different ways."
"I would feel comfortable if that conversation was had." I sighed.
"Nijay... I am happy with you, I love you. It's is fine, I don't feel like talking to her. Life goes on and that is what everybody is not understanding. If I have a conversation with her we are literally going to have one conversation of me telling her to move the fuck on because I don't want you. Then us right back to not talking, I don't have anything to say to her"
" I would feel more comfortable if that conversation was had." She repeated herself and intertwined our fingers.
"Nijay..."
"I would feel more comfortable if that conversation was had." She repeated.
"What would I even say to her?" She shrugged. " then why do you want me to have this conversation."
"I would feel more comfortable if that conversation was had." She rolled her eyes.
