Chris POV
"Yeah, but you can't let what she says affect you forever ." E explained. "She was probably drunk and angry."
"The liquor brings out the truth and every text was specific and long and full of details. I just wish that I didn't invite her into my world."
" you can't let that keep you from being happy."
" I loved her and she said that shit to me. I should've known that this life was too much for her from her initial reaction to it. I told her that she didn't have to deal with it but she chose to. Just got her to tell me that she hate me for it. I try to avoid that, I never in a million years thought she would think that way about me. I will be a liar to sit here and say that there wasn't moments where she express herself in an argument or when she was drunk. But some of the stuff she texted me I-" I shook my head to the thought
" she probably didn't know that you still received messages after she blocked you. I didn't know shit like that happened."
" I didn't either, I just started getting messages from her email. She used to send me pictures and shit from her iPad through her email to save space and it was connected through her number and that is how the messages came through."
"Damn." Dee shook his head. " why can't you guys just be friends?"
" we were friends, I help her moving to Atlanta and everything. I paid for everything and I over extended myself to try to show her that I love her."
" your love language is definitely spending money, you do it to all of us but you have to understand that is not everybody's love language. Some people want your time, some people want your attention, some people want you to hold them. There is a lot of different ways to show people you love them and people perceive things differently. Not the same thing is going to work for everybody." E shrugged and I nodded. " as for her not being happy with you, I am pretty sure it wasn't just with you."
" I am pretty sure that it was. She just pretend so well, I would've never thought that she didn't even like me this whole time. It doesn't even make sense." I shook my head at the thought. " I was so excited and so happy about us getting our friendship back on track, just for her to pull the rug from underneath me. I didn't even know what I did. It was like everything was so good and within two seconds everything went down hill. It's like she used me and threw me away."
" I was thinking maybe she just cut us off to get herself together." Dee shrugged.
" but what changed? That is the question. Nothing changed, now she just sits there awkwardly not knowing what to say." They signed. " she is so pressed about what I am doing with Nijay, she can't even tell that she is tearing Mark apart. Her inability to be aware of her surroundings and the people around her is fucking ridiculous. It doesn't matter who she hurts in the way of getting what she wants. That's what I'm saying like she will never be real enough to confess how she really feels. She's gonna drag him along just how she drag me along. Whole time she didn't even fucking like me. She just feels like she needs someone there to lean on or too blame all her problems on. First it was Haylee, then Bahia, then me, the Bahia, then, then me and Bahia, then me, then us, the nijay, what I am trying to say is it is never her. When it's me I have no problem taking on that. I am used to it, I used to do the same shit when I was younger for Tom'e and my parents. I am used to you know like going through that. So I don't mind but when you know that it's your fault too but you still act like it was all me and we both know the truth... She loves her own lies. If I am taking all your problems onto me why are you walking around miserable. You aren't going through shit and then she loved to jump on the bandwagon and pound on me to. But one thing I can say is she wasn't the type of person to kick you while you were down. She will wait until I get enough strength to lift myself up and then and then hit me harder then anything."
" I don't think she does it on purpose. She just doesn't know how to handle her feelings. She didn't really get taught things by her parents. She lost her parents when she needed them most." Dee added.
" she acts like Haylee, she really does and that is sad but instead of walking around making up stories about you raping her and beating her she is trying to make the world feel like you mistreated her and ruined her life and fucked a million bitches, mentally and emotionally abused her when honestly you didn't really do anything. I sit back and I try to figure out what you did because she is definitely a totally different person. I have yet to figure it out, The worst thing you did was getting Miyomi pregnant. Even then you guys weren't together so it's not like you cheated on her. It did hurt her though, which is understandable." I nodded. " but they are alike in a lot of ways. I do think rain is more sane."
"Yeah." I nodded. " I sit back sometimes and I wonder what I did to her because she isn't the same person anymore. She's not the person that I fell in love with."
"Do you still love her?" Dee asked and I shook my head. "You sure?"
"Yes, I don't love her." I sighed.
"You are lying." E shook his head.
"Yeah, you saw it too?" Dee asked him and he nodded.
"Saw what?" They shrugged. "I don't."
" I think you do but I feel like you don't want to." I shook my head. " it's understandable she was the first girl that you ever loved and it ended so weirdly."
"I don't love her."
" you do love her, that is why her words affect you so much. You never wanted her to feel that way about you. Plus people have said worst shit to you."
" she just- I don't know. If I knew that I should've hid my life from her I would have. She became my safe space and for her to just do that or say that, I just feels like that is what it is. She saw the raw me and she saw the real me and that is what she came up with. That is what she got from me being who I really was." I sighed. " this is why I always hated the idea of love. How could I love her and she don't love me."
"So you do love her."
" I don't know, I don't love her specifically but I love the idea of what I first met. She is not that person anymore and I never see myself being with her again. I will never be able to trust her, I will never be comfortable with her or around her anymore."
"So why aren't you and Nijay a thing?"
" because I let myself do that shit with Rain and it scarred me. I am cool on that relationship shit, I love Nijay so much. I never wanna be in another relationship in my life. Love is just an excuse to allow yourself to be treated any type of way. Love is just an excuse to excuse other peoples faults and their wrongdoings to you. I put my pimping shit and my defense to the side to try with her but look where how it ended for me."
" I know I said this before but Nijay loves you man. She loves your daughter, Tom'e... She doesn't judge you and she reassures you. She is honest with you, from what you tell us she doesn't have a problem with letting you know anything, the good and the bad. She is funny, she is cool, she matches your vibe. She is just down to have a good time with you." Dee explained. " she fully threw herself into your world, unapologetically. We love her."
" I don't know, what if she's pretending? What if it's all an act? I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I question everything now, I don't trust nobody."
They sighed.
" you can't make her wait for you and there is no chance of you guys getting together. She loves you, you can see it in how she moves. You can't lead her on." E explained.
"I know, I am in love her too but what if I take that jump and it happens again. I can't do that to myself I would be crazy."
"Chris you can't shut down like that." E shook his head.
"Why not?"
