Chris POV
we are two days in the vacation and Nijay is still being distant. I definitely ruined a good moment for us.
"You hanging out with the girls today?"
"No, I am hanging out with you." She shrugged. "Or you can got out with them... you know you miss Rain." I sighed.
"Nijay come on we never been through this before why are we going through it now?"
" you do know if you want her you could get her? You do know that right? So you sitting here trying to force yourself to wanna be with me it's not working out with or for neither of us. "
" what are you talking about?"
" do you genuinely wanna be with me or do you feel like I'm your last option? Like did she hurt you too much for you to go back to her and since you can't go back to her you're going to force yourself to be with me? Because all of this is so stupid. I am not going to be in a mental battle with myself because I don't wanna make you uncomfortable. If I have something to say I'm going to say it."
" nobody is worried about her."
" bullshit... Everything you do for me you feel like shit because you didn't do it for her. You wish you could go back and save the relationship. You really do and it shows in everything that you do. You feel bad for everything you buy me, anything that you give it to me, any compliment, any promise, any ounce of loyalty anything you do for me you feel bad because you can't go back and change it because you guys might've still been together. Do you not know how that makes me feel? I love you. I am so stupid. I am so fucking stupid." She sniffled and I looked at her. " I knew it, I knew this was gonna happen. I let myself fall in love with you, build a bond with your daughter, build a bond with the mother of your daughter, invited myself into your life, fell in love with the friendship/family that we have. I can't even live without those people anymore and I'm not gonna be here for long. I am so stupid."
"Nijay, yes I feel like shit because the things that I didn't do for her ruined her life. Not because I want to get back with her."
" she is doing good, she is about to get married. do you think that she sits around and feels like shit for everything that she do for her fiancé that she didn't do for you. No she doesn't, she doesn't mind feeling happy with her man. That is the fucking point. She fucking does it because they just live life. They are trying, you guys had a conversation and you can see the difference in how they interact with each other. It's genuine. I went from feeling bad about making her feel bad to feeling bad about making you feel bad by demanding things from you that I need. I need love, I need affection, I need confirmation, I need verbal, physical, emotional, shit even mental and sexual communication, I need a understanding and all because you didn't have that with her I had to feel bad about the shit that I need from you. You will feel upset because you bought me a fucking teddy bear and some flowers. She didn't make it seem like that was what she wanted or that was what she needed. No she shouldn't have to tell you but she should make her once known. You don't have to blatantly say it to get it. You throw hits like the fucking rest of us.
"Nijay I am sorry." I sighed.
all of this it is exhausting and honestly I wish I never even did this shit. Life is becoming so overwhelming. And everything stems from the one time I decided to fall in love. This shit is too much, this life shit is starting to become too fucking much for me. I can't do shit right. No matter how much in love I am with Nijay,
I can't stop thinking about how I wronged and broke Rain. We could've did so much shit differently and I feel like that's the problem. If I had a honest chance I probably would be able to remove on but that is not the case.
