Some Say the World Will End in Fire |l.s.|

four

Mum wants to schedule me a therapy session. A lot of food makes me nauseous , like any meet, anything runny or that's got a sauce. Anything with a strong smell, as well. She decided she's had enough, though, when I threw up at the sight of the tomato soup she made. It just looked so much like blood, and the smell was unbearable.

It's been two weeks, and right now I'm getting ready for my first day back. Harry doesn't think I should go and mum's a bit on the fence, but I think it's time I move on. I've felt this fear, I've let this thing run my life for the past two weeks and I won't let it anymore. If I go there and nothing happens, that'll let my brain know that it was just a once in a lifetime thing and I need to stop being a coward about the whole thing.

I'm putting my books in my bag as I see Harry standing outside, smoking a cigarette. He said the high he gets is so nice that all his worries melt away. Tempting. I mean, I've always hated it before, told him to stop and putting his cigarettes out when he hasn't finished them, but he just continues to do it. Maybe they're not actually bad, and the feeling is worth it. I'd give anything to forget for even just a second.

I make it outside and he holds his empty hand out as I take it, and we begin our walk in silence. We get outside the school and I can feel a pit in my stomach, but I just shrug it off. I need to man up.

"You don't have to do this, Lou," Harry tries. "This is just when the school is required to open back up, it doesn't mean everyone should be over it by now."

"I know that, Harry, but I'm ready," I smile reassuringly at him, giving him a small peck before squeezing his hand one last time and letting go. "Love you, babe. See you after school, yeah?"

"Of course, love. Call me if you need anything," he waves back.

"Bye, Harry," I chuckle, rolling my eyes as I turn and begin to make my way up the steps. I have to force myself to open the school doors, and stepping inside seems different. There are people laughing and walking around as if nothing ever happened, but then there's the ones who changed. Maybe they have their earbuds in their ears, or maybe they're just walking with their heads down. Getting to my first class, everyone is chatting around. Suppose it's because this class is the furthest place we were that day to the time it happened.

When the announcements come on, it takes me straight back to  when they announced that we were under lock down. I can feel my heart hammering in my chest, and the teacher talking snaps me out of my trance. I begin writing, my handwriting sloppy because of how much my hands are shaking, but I suppose it was just because of the lack of sleep I got.

I get through most my classes, the absence of Anthony not going unnoticed by me, and lunch rolls around quick enough. The feeling in my stomach has gotten worse, but I guess it's because I'm hungry. I couldn't stomach the pancakes mum made this morning, so I'm glad lunch is finally here. I packed a peanut butter sandwich, because lunch meat smells too much like that day, and jelly looked too much like blood and guts. Also some potato crisps, and some baby carrots.

I get outside to see Harry smoking, and instead of yelling at him for it, I decide to try it out. "Can I try?" I ask after sitting quietly for a few minutes.

"What?" he asks, looking at me with a confused expression on his face.

"Can I-"

"What, no. Absolutely not, Lou," he shakes his head.

"Harry, you can't treat me like a child. Why should you be able to do it and not me?" I ask in annoyance.

"You hate smoking," he argues.

"Not anymore, give me the fucking cigarette, Harry," I demand. He just shakes his head, handing it to me as I put it in my mouth, inhaling slowly as the smoke fills my lungs. I can feel it working immediately as I relax, handing it back to him as I let out a sigh of relief, the air blowing everywhere in front of me.

"Does this have anything to do with being back in school?"

Yes.

"What? No, just wanted to try it," I scoff. Lunch continues, and I can tell Harry is acting weird because of the smoking thing. I'm so sick of this treatment, like I can't take care of myself. Lunch ends after a lot of us eating in silence, and I head back inside to the class where it all went down.

I walk down the hallway, and it looks as good as new, although I can still see it. Everything is like I left it, only I know it's my imagination. That is, until I hear the gunshot. My breathing picks up and I begin to stumble backwards, going into the first bathroom I see as I lock myself in the back stall. I slide down the back wall, hearing the screams as tears fall down my paled face. I'm panicking, but I put a hand over my mouth to muffle my sobs. I don't know how much time goes by of me panicking before my chest feels sore, and I feel so lightheaded with a bad headache. I take my phone from my bag to see that school ended five minutes ago. I leave the bathroom slowly, looking around to see students standing there as if nothing happened.

Tears prick my eyes when I realize it was all in my head. Getting to the conclusion that I'm losing my mind, I walk quickly out of the school, plastering a smile on my face as I walk home with Harry, not mentioning a thing to him.