A Reason To Go On

Chapter 20

Alexia's POV

Its been three weeks since meeting Jayden and holding my son for the first time, I'm currently waiting for Jayden to get here. Tonight i will be looking after Ryder for the first time over night. My mum helped me set up a crib in my room ready for his arrival. I'm really nervous, Ive been spending nearly everyday with him, but most of the time other people are there, but tonight hes going to be in my room and ill be on my own with him, i know my mum and dad are just across the hall, but i just want everything to go well.

For the past three weeks Ive also been taking my therapy sessions seriously, i now talk to Dr Edwards daily, and i no longer give her the answers to her questions i think she wants to hear. After holding Ryder i realized that i did have something to live for, i cant say my world is suddenly brighter again because its not, i still struggle with my dark thoughts, but now when they get bad i just picture Ryder. Actually admitting to my therapist about the fact i wanted to commit suicide was one of the hardest things Ive had to say out loud. I felt ashamed that i would willingly leave my son, but my admission to her also seemed to start a turning point in my life too. Apparently because id hit rock bottom, she said we now need to build me back up. Not only am i doing the therapy but shes also signed me up to kick boxing lessons five days a week. I've was so angry when i woke from my coma, and id been directing that anger at everyone around me, i realize that now, so the kick boxing is providing an outlet for that anger in a controlled environment. Dr Edwards also had me making amends to anyone Ive hurt through my anger, which meant i needed to apologize to my family and Casey, Ive been a total bitch to all of them since i woke up, but they are still here helping me, and it makes me realize how lucky i am. I also forgave Jayden for what he did, i wont lie it wasn't easy having that conversation with him, and although i do forgive him, forgetting about what happened is still something I'm working on everyday.

"Hunny Jayden is here", i hear my mum shout, taking one last glance at my room making sure everything is ready i head downstairs to meet him.

Entering the lounge I'm immediately greeted with a big smile from my son, holding my arms out Jayden passes him to me. "Hello baby, did you miss mummy? he makes a funny noise which im going to assume is a yes. "Everything you need is in the bag, i don't think Ive missed anything, but if i have you can call me and ill be straight over" Jayden continues rambling on which i find quiet cute, but unfortunately my son seems to be the only one that can keep my attention. I start making faces at him, and his smile gets bigger, his green eyes are sparkling back at me. "Alexia are you listening to me?" Jayden asks. "Yes" but then deciding that i need to be honest i say "No, sort of, don't worry Jayden if you've forgotten anything I'm sure my mum has it anyway". I look up to see him looking undecided on what he should do, i know hes been asking me for the past couple of weeks if i wanted him over night, but now the time has come hes looks like he doesn't want to leave. "Jayden we'll be fine, and if i need anything ill call you straight away" i assure him. Ushering out the door ignoring the sparks the contact is giving me, i inform him to enjoy his night off and have fun, just not too much if you know what i mean. We've both discussed the mate bond over the past couple of weeks, i know Jayden wouldn't have sex now because he knows it would cause me pain, the only problem is i don't want him to be unhappy. We agreed if we meet someone special, and we love them, then we give each other permission to mate them, ensuring the bond between us is severed. The past couple of weeks we've grown closer, and hes become a really good friend to me, we've agreed we need to get along because even if we both meet someone else we will still be raising Ryder together.

After calling Casey, Leigh and i head for the door, we are meeting her and Hope at the mall to go shopping for tonight's party. My mum decided that because i didn't have a baby shower shes throwing me one tonight, i wasn't sure about it at first, but eventually caved when i realized they was no changing her mind. I'm just grateful that the pack doesn't know that i originally rejected my son, I'm not sure if i could handle all their disapproving looks at the moment, I'm getting better day by day but not enough to take on a whole judgmental pack. On the plus side to agreeing to the party, Markus and Leigh have come to stay with us for the weekend so Leigh could attend the party too. They both had to go back to university while i was still in hospital, and so its nice seeing them when they can drive up here.