A Reason To Go On

Chapter 22

Alexia's POV

"This is my house, the one I want to raise Ryder in. I also have to confess I lied to you" I gasp at this but let him continue "I actually hate being away from him on the nights you have him, I love the bond you have but I miss him so much, which is why I’m hoping you will agree to move in with us"

I stand there stunned into silence, trying to absorb what he’s just told me. I knew he would have a difficult time being away from Ryder as my parents have always said he’s an amazing dad, I also know I hate it when its not my night with him. Does this mean though if I don’t agree to move in he will stop me from having Ryder on my nights because he can’t handle not having him?

"Alexia you don’t have to give me an answer straight away" he calmly states "and if your answer is a no then nothing will change between the arrangement we currently have, other that where Ryder will be staying on the nights that I have him"

At least I still get to see my son, I don’t think I could go without my nights with him, I love Ryder more than anything in the world, and I can see where Jayden is coming from, me moving in would allow us to bring him up together. But is it too soon for that? I know if we were a 'normal' mated couple we would have already moved in together, as most mated couple generally move in together within the first month of meeting. The only thing is we are definitely not ‘normal’, and we are defiantly not a couple in anyway, the only thing that keeps us 'together' is Ryder.

"Can I think about this Jaden?" I ask, "I’m just not sure we are ready to share a house together, I know we are friends now, but this is still a big step for us".

"That’s fine Alexia, I would still like to decorate a bedroom for you though, that way even if you don’t move in, you have the option of spending some nights here, if you want"

I ask Jayden to drop me back at my parent’s house, I need time to think and work out what I’m going to do. The car ride is spent in silence, and I’m glad Jayden is not pressurizing me into something I may not be ready for yet. Getting out of the car, I open the passenger door to give Ryder a kiss goodbye, as I won’t see him until tomorrow. "I'll see you soon my special little man" I whisper to him, not wanting to wake him now he’s asleep, giving Jayden a quick wave bye I head inside.

I decide to give my therapist a call, thinking she could help guide me, but after I explained everything that happened at the new house she basically said something like "Its your decision Alexia, I cant tell you what to do, you have to make the decision that’s right for you" great help she was I thought putting the phone down! I mean really? I know that it’s my decision I’m not stupid, but I thought she would at least let me know if she thought it was a good idea or not.

Laying in my bed I’m still not sure on what I’m going to do, I spoke to my mum and dad earlier and they weren’t that helpful either, basically telling me they would stand by any decision I made, so I’m basically still lying here thinking. I’m that desperate to make the right decision, I’m currently doing a list of pros and con's in my head. Obviously one of the pros would be that we would no longer have to 'share' Ryder. Another is we could parent him better, and he could grow up with both parents. But then this brought up and cons, what if Jayden met someone else later? How would this work out? What role would his new mate have in bringing up our son? What if they decided to have a baby? I’m not sure why but these thoughts had me catching my breathe, for some reason actually picturing Jayden with someone else, and that person carrying his pup seemed to hurt my damaged heart. 'It’s the mate bond' my wolf informed me. 'Why? We’ve agreed to be friends, so I don’t understand why it would affect me like this' I ask her. 'It’s because our mate is meant for us, not someone else, and even though you both have denied the bond between you, doesn’t make it just go away'. I ponder this, I told Jayden that I would be happy for him if he met someone else, but would I actually be able to be happy seeing it in front of me? ‘NO’ my wolf growled at me, I know she still want her mate, so the thought of him being with someone else hurts her. She doesn’t care about all the things he did to hurt us, she just wants to be with him. I think the only reason she’s still speaking to me despite us not being on the same page is because of Ryder. She loves him, and would protect him with her last breath, so I know she will always be with me, whether that equation includes Jayden or not.