Free-Fall: Vigilante Tommyinnit AU

《CHAPTER FORTY》

Tommy POV-

I can hold another secret for the sake of everything. Whatever that is.

Which, would make things more complicated, remembering the way Tubbo looked at me when I told him everything that had happened to me with Dream. The way Boffy stared at me with clenched fists and teary eyes. His blindfold forgotten in my very hands. Ranboo's jaw firm and figure stiff, probably thinking of every way possible to rip someone apart. It was the first time I had ever seen him truly angry. Bitzel falling into his seat and apologizing repeatedly for not being able to save me. Luke promising I would never be hurt like that again. 

Deo was different. He didn't look angry or sympathetic. He didn't say he was sorry I had to go through that. Instead he asked, "Did it hurt?", face blank, voice steady. He wasn't talking about the torture though. I could tell. "Yeah, I did". I wasn't either. He left for a while after that, then told me he got a new job. He didn't elaborate. Then we went on our last mission as a team- where he faked his death. Now I know what that new job was.

"I knew you had an ability, I never bothered you about it after what happened with my arm, I guessed Ranboo probably knew. He used to be a lot closer with me but now he's a lot more connected with you", Tubbo said casually, sat on the couch, while Ranboo swept the apartment floors, abruptly stopping when he heard Tubbo's comment, "Hey! That is not true, I love and care for you both equally", he huffed with fake annoyance, "Sure, Boo", Was all Tubbo said, a fond smile on his face, returning to meet my eyes, "really though, I already knew, that you revealed your identity, at first I was really mad, but you probably had a good reason. I'm sorry I haven't been very trusting of you. You are my best friend and I guess I've just been getting a bit possessive. I was worried you would want to be with your real family instead of with me and Ranboo. It's selfish, I know you deserve to have the family you never got before, but-", "Tubs", I pulled him into a long hug, "I will always choose you both. You both are my family.  Deo, Boffy, Luke, Bitzel, You and Ranboo. You guys will always be my real family. Blood means nothing to me, it never has".

Still, reminders of the way I was tortured are imprinted into my skin. My hands, my brain, my heart.

Remembering every time I was punched or kicked was nothing compared to when I was dropped several feet down, a seemingly endless time of falling, fast and quick, so quick I could never comprehend hitting the ground. I would always wish it was enough to kill me sometimes, but it never was that high. High enough to make me feel internal fear every time. Dream must have known because he did it often, so often that heights became an incredible fear for me. It was the first thing I decided I would conquer, when I escaped, or, when Kristen helped me escape. I suppose that faking your death is surprisingly common. 

What a bunch of liars. (I am one of them).

The funny part is, they had every reason to do so. They had every reason to lie. I had none. I just did it because I thought it would protect the minds of people I love. Shield their ears from the bitter truths. 

I was going to become a Villain with the rest of Business Bay. 

I had the right to. When I saw my mother in the van I was shoved inside, white lab coat stained in what was possibly my own blood, terrified and guilty eyes staring into mine, though she wasn't the one who hurt me. 

When she was announced dead, it led to me being neglected, the child she left a broken family. They did not see what she intended to be a gift, but rather a burden. I guess, they needed someone to blame. It just happened to be me. The only thing is, it makes me angrier now, because she was never dead. Sometimes I think, she knew this would happen to me, if she left. And I wonder why she never came back if  there was a chance she did know.  

But still, she's the one who made sure Boffy could find me.

I didn't know Tubbo had been taken too. He just never remembered because while the disease was transferred from him to me, a side affect of it was memory loss. I wonder if Ranboo was involved to. 

It was not a funny thought. 

But,

It's funny, I was consumed by my absolute dread and sorrow as a child, and now I find that my unresolved desolation, found it's way back to me in the form of anger and hate. I guess, it will always be that way. Hidden sorrows will always come back in the form of violent rage, and I think that is because your angry because you realize you deserved better.

I was sad, of course, to hear my mother was gone, to see my remaining family wanted nothing to do with me. 

When we are treated horribly for what we cannot control, it is the worst feeling of all, because you wonder what you could have done, what you did. When the answer always remains the same. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

There is nothing that could have been done, there was nothing that you did. 

So why the self-blame?

Maybe it works the same way as when you blame a different individual. 
Maybe we blame ourselves because of the same reason someone would blame another.  They needed someone to blame for their mistakes, and we have no one to blame but ourselves for  mistakes that were never made.

It's funny.

And then she'd watch Dream let me fall freely, plummeting down with barley grown bones sticking out of my back. White feathers that started out thin until they became hard to hide. Then Kristen came to my cell room one night, telling me she was going to set me free.