Gold Rush | Ser Harwin

01.

Daerla

  It's been 8 years since I was last in Kings Landing and I'm unsurprised to find it exactly the same as when I left. It smells the same and looks the same. The air tastes the same, bitter and grimy. I can't complain, not when I'm finally home.

  Viserys inviting me home was unexpected to say the least. When he exiled me 8 years ago he was angry, angrier than I had ever seen him. What I did upset him. He shouldn't have been upset, but he was. I think he exiled me because he realised I was growing up and he didn't want me too.

  Im an adult now, I'm not a little girl and I hope Viserys will accept that. Viserys is much older than me, I was our parents final hurrah before they both croaked out. I was raised by Viserys and Daemon. Although Daemon didn't exactly do much.

  Viserys has always treated me like I was his daughter. But I'm not. I never should have been either.

  "Daerla," he says now as I walk into the throne room. He looks old. For some reason that's the first thought that enters my head. He doesn't stand from his throne and he doesn't smile. He must still be mad.

  "Brother," I reply. He is the only person here and a part of me is wounded that no one else is here to welcome their princess back.

  "Aemma is pregnant," he says abruptly. I clutch my hands behind my back.

  "How lovely," I rock back on my heels and look round the hall. This whole experience is awkward to say the least.

  "Hopefully you won't be far behind," he says and I squeeze my hands together. I hold back a retort. I'm afraid if I say anything he'll exile me again. "You'll like who I've betrothed you too, he's a good strong man."

  "I trust your judgment," I say. I don't really. No doubt he's marrying me off to an old man, probably one of my relatives.

  "The wedding is tomorrow night," he says.

  "Tomorrow?" I'm shocked. I've only just arrived and already I'm being bargained off.

  "It's best to get these things over with," he says. "And this way the focus can go back to my son quicker."

  "You don't have a son," I say with an edge of annoyance.

  "I'm certain Aemma will bear a son," he says with a smile. "Just you wait."

  "Oh I will," I say. "May I go to my room, I am awfully tired." I'm not, I just want to get away from him.

  "Of course," he says. "Your old room is occupied by Otto Hightower's daughter. But we've sorted you a room on the east wing."

  "By the dungeons?" I say. He really is still mad.

  "It's nice and warm there," he says. "And there are plenty of guards, so no prisoners will get you in your sleep." Great.

  "Thank goodness for that," I say before turning on my heel.

  "Daerla," Viserys says and I pause. "I wanted to say I'm sorry for what I made you do. It should have been your choice, I know that. I was foolish."

I look down at my boots. The words hit harder then I thought they would. I slowly turn back to face him and then I look him in the eye.

"You were," I say. "I wasn't a child, I was 17. I knew what I was doing. I wanted it." I've tried not to think about what happened all those years ago.

"You were a child," Viserys says and I can tell he is starting to get angry.

"Yet you still sent me away alone," I respond. "You cast me aside and made me fend for myself. Who does that to a child? Certainly not a loving older brother."

I see a small amount of guilt but I turn around before I forgive him.

The doors open and I walk through the castle, to my new chambers. My boots smack against the floor and I feel a rush of emotions smacking in my head. I didn't expect it to hurt so much being back here.

I'm staring at my feet when I walk into someone. I step back before walking around them. I don't bother looking up, I don't want to talk to anyone.

"Aunt," a voice says from ahead and I pause.

"Rhaenyra?" I say as I look upon the young woman. "The last time I saw you, you were just a little girl. Now you are a woman."

"I'm glad you're back," she says. "What was it like travelling with the Dothraki? Did you get to ride around on horses? Did you fight with swords?"

"I will tell you all about my travels," I say. "But not right now, I'm tired. I have a big day tomorrow." She looks disappointed and my heart lurches. I've missed so much of her life. "Why don't you come and help me pick a dress? Do we have a castle dressmaker?"

"Oh yes," Rhaenyra's face lights up. "Ser Harwin?" She calls out and my heart drops. Ser Harwin emerges from the shadows, I look down at my feet, shaking off invisible dirt from my boots. "Can you get Amélie and send her to Daerla's new room?"

"Of course, princess," he says and I look up for a second, meeting his gaze. He looks at me once, an assessing, calculated look. Before he nods and walks away. I watch him go. A look can show so much.

"Aunt?" Rhaenyra interrupts my thoughts and I look away from Harwin's back.

"Let's go," I say and I link arms with Rhaenyra as we walk towards my dungeon room.

~

Hours later I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I can hear the prisoners wining and screeching. Viserys put me here on purpose. To punish me.

I'm so mad at him. How can he do this to me? My only crime was growing up and he punished me by sending me away. I was 17.

It's times like these that I long for my parents. I don't know what they were like but anything would've been better then Viserys. He was a child himself when he was expected to raise me. He shouldn't have had to become a father at 14.

I curl into a ball on my side and stare at the candle that flicker softly. Tomorrow I'll be married and I'll have to share a bed with a man I don't know. In my 25 years of life I've laid with one man. The Dothraki didn't even try to sleep with me. My dragon may have had something to do with that.

I have this thing where I don't like people touching me. It may have something to do with my lack of affection as a child. Daemon use to joke that I wasn't held as a child. I wonder if he was right. I flinch when people touch me, which may have to do with what Viserys forced me to do when I was 17.

I still hear my screams. I remember the physical and emotional pain. I also remember Viserys face when he'd seen what he'd done. The look of guilt that disappeared a moment later. I'll never forgive him for what he did. He took away what could've been a great life.

I blow out the candle and count aloud. It helps me to sleep. Again, probably due to childhood trauma. Eventually I fall asleep.

In my dreams I see a child. She runs through a green field laughing, she is happy. Then it begins to rain and she's screaming. She's crying out. "Mama." "Mama." I can't help her.

I have this same dream every night. I've yet to determine if the child is me or my own child that was murdered 8 years ago.