Gold Rush | Ser Harwin

03.

Ser Harwin

  When Daerla is sleeping deeply she does this funny breathing thing where she sniffles and her nose wrinkles. She doesn't know she does it. Only I do. It makes me happy when I see it because I know that she is sleeping deeply.

  I hadn't seen it for 8 years but now I see it again. She laid on her side, facing me. Her nose is wrinkling and she's sniffling and I'm grinning like a fucking idiot. It's the middle of the night but I can't sleep. Having Daerla so close again is doing things to me.

  I feel like if I fall asleep I'll wake up and she'll be gone. I've dreamt of her every night for 8 years, only to wake and find her not there. I couldn't bare it if I woke up and this was all a dream. So I'll watch her sleep.

  In the past 8 years she hasn't changed one bit. Her skin is a shade darker and her hair a shade lighter. But everything else remains the same. She has always been beautiful.

  I was 10 years old when I met Daerla Targaryen for the first time. She came to Kings Landing for her brother's wedding to Aemma Targaryen. She was 9 and she was so shy. She use to hide behind Daemon's legs. She didn't like being alone, that week she clung to Daemon for dear life. I'm sure he didn't appreciate it.

  I was sparring in the keep with the swordsman and I caught her watching me. She was sat on the wall and Daemon was a few metres away, chatting to some maid. When I caught her looking at me she looked down and her pale cheeks turned red.

  I walked over to her and then she looked up and her eyes were the most perfect shade of lilac. It was like staring at the moonlight.

  "I'm Harwin Strong," I said and I remember thinking I was brave and strong for going and talking to a pretty girl.

  "I know," she said simply and then she looked back down at her feet. She does that a lot. Nervous habit.

  "Are you enjoying the celebrations?" I asked, I already knew that she wasn't. I had watched her eagerly for days and I knew that she had hardly smiled.

  "Yes," she said and then Daemon walked over and I walked away and I didn't speak to her again.

  Daerla was 15 when we met again. She had moved into the castle since her brother had been crowned the new King. I was 16 and was full of hormones and sexual appetite. And when I saw her again, I knew she had to be mine.

  For a few weeks we didn't stray past stolen glances and the odd touch of a fingertip in dark corridors. Then one night it was she who knocked on my chambers and walked in like she owned the place.

  It was she who removed her gown and told me to "teach her." And so we spent the night together and we woke up with our arms around each-other. I think that was when I fell in love with her. She was so soft and delicate in my arms and I wanted nothing more than to protect her.

  She was mine. And I destroyed it. I'll never forgive myself for my part in what happened. I shouldn't have been so easily manipulated by my father and I shouldn't have just stood by while Viserys did what he did.

But now she's back. When my father came to me and told me that Viserys wanted me to marry his daughter I thought it was a cruel joke. I may be the next Lord of Harrenhal, but I have nothing else to me. And she is a princess. The reason we kept our relationship a secret was because we weren't suited in the real world.

I was confused but I agreed. Why wouldn't I? She was the best part of me and I would be insane to pass up making her my wife.

Now I wonder why Viserys chose me to marry her. He doesn't know about our past, only my father. A sad part of me wonders if he did it because he wanted her to marry below her. I wonder if that's what she thought, that I'm lower then her.

When she left after the ceremony I knew I couldn't lose that chance to talk to her. And I was well aware that if I had kept on with her that I would've got my way and that we would've been wrapped naked in each others arms right now. But she deserves better then that, she deserves peace. I want her to heal and forgive me before jumping headfirst into a marriage with me.

So I'll be gentle and kind and I'll give her the best. I'll be a good husband and I'll wait patiently until she decides to let herself love me again. I'll earn her forgiveness.

For now though, I shuffle slightly closer and put an arm across her waist and I fall asleep.