Love For Two

Chapter Twenty Two

I can't help but think that maybe trying for another baby is a bad idea. Of course I want another child, but I'm scared that it won't be a successful pregnancy. I pray every night that I am able to conceive and that it won't be heartbreaking again. I sit in bed and cry of having the thought that I will miscarry again. Tanner comes into the bedroom with a glass of water and calms me down. "Hey, it'll be alright, we just have to take it one step at a time." He is so good to me. I couldn't have asked for a better husband. I feel comfort when he is around. He makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman ever. He takes care of me before he takes care of himself. I love him unconditionally.

The next few weeks are rough. I have no signs of pregnancy. No nausea, no weight gain, no soreness or tenderness and no cravings. I start to get worried that maybe I was right. If I were pregnant, I would maybe guess that I would be around 8 weeks. I drive to the drug store and buy 2 pregnancy tests. I come home and go to the bathroom to take them. I lay them on the bathroom sink and wait patiently for my answer. The first test.. a negative. The second test.. negative. I sit down on the bathroom floor and start crying. What else can I do? Am I being punished for something? Is there a reason I am not being able to conceive properly? Every negative image and mindset pops in my head. What am I doing wrong? I put on comfortable clothes and sit on the couch. I turn on the tv and watch my favorite movie. I call Tanner and ask him what he wants for dinner so I can start cooking. I turn on the oven and start boiling pasta. I think I am going to make alfredo tonight. By the time I finish cooking, Tanner walks through the door. He takes his jacket off and hugs me from behind. It startled me. He looks at me and asks if I feel better today. I don't want him to know I was crying earlier, but it didn't take long for him to see the tear and smeared mascara residue left on my face. "Have you been crying?" he asked. I don't want to lie to him, he probably already knows. "Yes, I took two more tests today.. I figured if I was pregnant, now would've been the time to find out, but they were negative." He looked at me with saddened eyes. "Hey, you're going to be fine, tomorrow we'll go to the doctor and figure out what's wrong." I looked at him and said okay. We went to bed that night and I just laid there thinking what could possibly be wrong with me? We had Elena just fine, but with the loss of my twins.. maybe something is wrong with me.