Jade
"I know we're months in now, but I never got to ask you... how do you even feel about having another baby?" I asked. "Are you even happy? Are you sad? Was it bad timing? Do you regret it? What are you thinking every day?"
I felt so bad that we'd been on bad terms since the moment I found out she was pregnant. We're finally starting to move towards fixing us, but we'd literally argued and fought to the point of tears the whole time. Neither of us even got the chance to be happy about it. The thought alone has been eating me alive every day.
We're still not sleeping in the same room, but she's on my mind all of the time. When I'm in bed at night, I can't stop thinking about her. I miss her so much. We haven't argued in a while, and we're on speaking terms... you can even say we're friendly, but god I miss my wife.
I miss holding her. I miss kissing her. I miss cuddling with her. I miss sex with her. I miss sleeping in the same bed as her, just knowing she's near me. I miss the way she smells. I miss everything.
I'm scared because I don't know how she's feeling. Does she miss me just as much, or is the distance actually doing more harm than help? I really hope not, because I need her. I'll never stop needing her.
"It wasn't bad timing. I know that now." She replied, and I nodded. "And I'm happy about it now. But—I don't know. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to upset you."
"It's okay." I said, turning to face her more as we sat on the couch together, watching Zahra and Jaylen play on the floor in front of us. "Tell me. I really want to know how you're feeling."
"I'm not going to say he was bad timing, because that's a shitty thing to say, and I would like to think that while I do have my flaws, I'm not a shitty person. Plus, it's not like he's a newborn. He's been born for years..." She said.
"Jessica's timing was bad." I said, and she nodded her head.
She's right. If I could change anything about this whole situation, it would be that.
"Yeah." She shrugged. "It was a very... uncertain time for us, and it kind of took the excitement away. I couldn't be happy, because I wasn't happy. If that makes any sense. And I couldn't even tell if you were happy or not."
"I'm so sorry." I sighed and shook my head.
"It's fine." She shrugged again. "It's in the past, right?"
"No." I shook my head again. "I mean, yes, it did happen in the past, but it's still important to me. You deserved better than that, and so did our baby. You had just found out that once again, your body was about to become unfamiliar to you. You'd just learned that it wasn't just yours anymore. You'd just found out that another life was growing inside of you. It doesn't matter what was going on between us at the time, you deserved to feel that, and you deserved the space to express how you felt about it the moment you found out. And our baby... our baby deserved to be celebrated as well."
"Thank you for saying that." She said, looking into my eyes. "I honestly felt so alone, and I know I was only isolating myself, but that's how I was feeling. I wasn't happy about it. I was unsure and scared. I'm happy now..." She said, smiling and rubbing her belly. "But I wasn't when I first found out. It felt like you said... like bad timing."
"You didn't tell me when you first found out, and I'll be honest, at first I was angry about that. I now know that I had no right to be. The issue wasn't that you didn't tell me. The issue was that you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me. You didn't have the space. Perrie, I NEVER want you to feel like that. You mean the world to me. I'm so sorry. I really hope you know that I would've never brought anything like this to you on purpose. I'm still disgusted with myself that I've put you in this position, and it'll be a long time, if ever, when I stop hating myself for it." I said.
