The Prince of Thorns

🏵A Tyrell's Advice🏵

KING'S LANDING, GARDENS

Sansa and Tyrion stroll side-by-side through the gardens on a beautiful day. Shae follows, a few paces back. Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall pass, snickering at them.

TYRION: "Hmm. Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall. Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall."

SANSA: "What are you doing?"

TYRION: "I have a list."

SANSA: "A list of people you mean to kill?"

TYRION: "For laughing at me? Do I look like Joffrey to you? No, death seems a bit extreme. Fear of death, on the other hand-"

SANSA: "You should learn to ignore them."

TYRION: "My lady, people have been laughing at me far longer than they've been laughing at you. I'm the Halfman, the Demon Monkey, the Imp."

SANSA: "You're a Lannister. I am the disgraced daughter of the traitor Ned Stark."

TYRION: "The disgraced daughter and the Demon Monkey. We're perfect for each other."

SANSA: (laughs)

Tyrion realizes that Shae overheard that comment. He looks back, embarrassed, and she returns his look, coolly.

SANSA: "So how should we punish them?"

TYRION: "Who? Whom?"

SANSA: "Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall."

TYRION: "Ah. I could speak to Lord Varys and learn their perversions. Anyone named Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert."

SANSA: "I hear that you're a pervert."

TYRION: "I am the Imp. I have certain standards to maintain."

SANSA: "(chuckles) We could sheep shift Lord Desmond's bed. You cut a little hole in his mattress, and you stuff sheep dung inside. Then you sew up the hole and make his bed again. His room will stink, but he won't know where it's coming from."

TYRION: "Lady Sansa!"

SANSA: "My sister used to do that when she was angry with me. And she was always angry with me."

TYRION: "Why sheep shit?"

SANSA: "That's the vulgar word for dung."

TYRION: "My lady-"

SANSA: "Well, you asked me."

Podrick runs down the steps of the garden, looking for Tyrion.

GIRL: "Oh! That's him!"

PODRICK: "My lord, my lady. Your father has called a meeting of the small council."

THE HAND'S CHAMBERS

Tyrion enters. Tywin, Cersei, Varys, and Grand Maester Pycelle are already seated. Joffrey walks behind his grandfather, excited and grinning.

TYRION: "Killed a few puppies today?"

JOFFREY: "Show him. Come on, show him."

Hand shaking, Pycelle offers a scroll to Tyrion. He drops it before Tyrion can grab it.

PYCELLE: "Oh, apologies, my lord. Old fingers."

Annoyed, Tyrion reaches to the floor and snatches the scroll. He reads it. Joffrey is manic with energy.

TYRION: "Roslin caught a fine fat trout. Her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed Walder Frey.' Is that bad poetry or is it supposed to mean something?"

JOFFREY: "Robb Stark is dead. And his bitch mother. (to Pycelle) Write back to Lord Frey. Thank him for his service and command him to send Robb Stark's head. I'm going to serve it to Sansa at my wedding feast."

VARYS: "Your Grace, Lady Sansa is your aunt by marriage."

CERSEI: "A joke. Joffrey did not mean it."

JOFFREY: "Yes, I did. I'm going to have it served to Sansa at my wedding feast."

TYRION: "No. She is no longer yours to torment."

JOFFREY: "Everyone is mine to torment. You'd do well to remember that, you little monster."

TYRION: "Oh, I'm a monster. Perhaps you should speak to me more softly, then. Monsters are dangerous and just now kings are dying like flies."

The room goes silent. Joffrey is aghast at the slight.

JOFFREY: "I could have your tongue out for saying that."

Cersei takes Joffrey's hand to calm him.

CERSEI: "Let him make his threats. Hmm? He's a bitter little man."

PYCELLE: "Lord Tyrion should apologize immediately. Unacceptable, disrespectful, and in very bad taste."

Joffrey pulls his hand free from his mother's caress.

JOFFREY: "I am the king! I will punish you."

TYWIN: "Any man who must say, 'I am the king' is no true king. I'll make sure you understand that when I've won your war for you."

JOFFREY: "My father won the real war. He killed Prince Rhaegar. He took the crown while you hid under Casterly Rock!"