Right Place, Wrong Time

12. Two Steps Back

At the same booth they'd once occupied on the study date orchestrated by Julia, Lauren sat with her hands under her thighs to stop herself fidgeting with them, feeling the cracked leather under her fingertips, but she couldn't stop one foot tapping restlessly on the floor. Joey had agreed to meet her, and she had no idea what she was supposed to say to him.

Though they'd stayed in contact over break, she felt two steps back in their friendship having not seen him in person. And the situation with Darren had only complicated things. Her fear was that the whole dynamic of their relationship would now be changed, and she didn't know if she could take that. Their friendship was sacred to her, and she couldn't let anything fuck it up.

The bell over the door rang, and even before she looked up she knew it was him. She sensed his presence every time she was in a room with him, and usually that was something she loved, reassured to know he was there. Now, though, it made her stomach do flips.

Still, she forced herself to look up with a smile, meeting his gaze as he looked around for her, and he came over and slid in opposite her.

"Hi," he said, pushing his hair back from his face. It had grown longer over the holidays — faster than her own hair grew, to her annoyance — but it looked good.

"Hi," she said. "I got you a coffee."

"Thank you." He pulled it towards him.

"So," she said, unsure where to begin.

"So," he replied, with a gentle smile. "How are you feeling?"

She sighed, but she was grateful he didn't try to beat around the bush, supposing it was best they get this part out of the way first.

"I'm okay," she said honestly. "We were better as friends, really. It was weird."

It had happened out of the blue, though. For weeks she had been mulling over her conversations, plural, with Julia, wondering whether she should break up with Darren. And then, without her seeing it coming at all, he made the decision for her.

They'd gone for brunch on New Year's Day after the party the night before, one Lauren couldn't help wishing Joey was at even as she laughed with her friends, danced with Darren. They hadn't even kissed at midnight. He'd been outside with his friends and she'd been in the bathroom taking deep breaths with Julia sat outside the door. Not the best night she'd ever had. And then the breakup. If she'd known he was planning to break up with her she would have made sure to wear something other than Joey's sweatshirt. But he wasn't even bothered by that.

It hadn't been about Joey, but it hadn't not been about Joey either. Darren said he didn't think her heart was really in it, and she knew she couldn't convince him otherwise because she still hadn't been able to convince herself. She wasn't sad, exactly, because she'd been thinking about doing it herself, but she missed him. They'd had fun together, and even though it had been amicable they needed time before the easiness of friendship was fully restored. And there wasn't the relief she thought she might feel, or excitement at the freedom to date someone else. She'd begun to wonder if she knew her own heart at all. It wasn't like she was in love with Joey, she just liked him. So maybe they were better off staying friends, lest the same thing happen to them? And what if they didn't come out the other side of it on as good terms as she and Darren had? She couldn't stand to lose him, and she'd rather stay friends than risk it.

None of this she said to Joey. She should have done, she knew. But she couldn't stand to see the look of heartbreak on his face. It was yet another way of protecting herself.

He patted her hand across the table. "Well, I'm glad you're okay."

"Yeah," she smiled. "Now enough about me, how are you?"