Right Place, Wrong Time

46. The Good and The Bad

Life without Joey was missing a spark. She did all the things she was supposed to. She auditioned, she got a few callbacks, booked a fraction of those. She had nights out and nights in with Julia. She baked whenever she could. She spent her days off exploring the city she loved. And she was enjoying it all. But she kept finding herself picking up the phone to talk to Joey and tell him everything going on in her life, from the huge things like the musical she booked to the tiny things like the dairy free ice cream place she discovered, one she longed to take him to when — if — he visited. It all felt lacking without him to share it with. But then she remembered he had his own things going on, friends and school and parties, a smorgasbord of college life to keep him busy. She had to let him move on, and that meant resisting the urge to talk to him in her every free moment.

Something that usually helped was the gratitude wall she had built in the apartment. All the little things she was thankful for, shared with Julia in an effort to help them settle in. It started off with the basics, having a place to call their own and jobs that let them keep at the acting thing, so far staying free of bed bugs and with heating that worked when a cold snap set in. The ice cream place had gone up the very day she came home raving about it. Looking at that wall reminded her of everything she had to be grateful for, even if it wasn't the same without her best friend. She was grateful for Julia, too, who she would have given up on this without.

But sometimes that still wasn't enough. She was sitting cross legged on her bed trying to memorise the latest round of audition sides when her palms began to feel clammy, her chest growing tight. She took deep breaths in and out like she'd learned to do, but they kept coming quicker. A quiet sob burst out of her, the tears making it even harder to breathe, her own body fighting against her.

Desperately, she thought of Joey. His presence had always had a calming effect on her, making her feel like she'd be okay. It had settled her before exams, when she'd been anxious about moving here, at parties when she was overwhelmed with the number of people. But the memory of him wasn't the same as having him right there with her, and her breaths became shallower. Without meaning to, his name came out of her mouth in a cry.

She must have called out loud enough for Julia to hear, because her friend came into the room looking stricken. Rushing to Lauren, she put a hand on her shoulder, and when she didn't pull away, she sat on the bed and pulled her into her arms. Holding onto her with one hand, Julia pulled out her phone with the other. She scrolled through her contacts to find a number and, seeing who she was calling, Lauren shook her head, tears still falling fast. But the dialling tone rang, and then stopped.

Julia spoke to him in a hushed voice, the sound muffled to Lauren, but she knew she was asking him to speak to her. She held up the phone to Lauren's ear.

"Hi, Lo."

Julia's hand kept stroking her shoulder comfortingly, which helped, but it was nothing compared to the comfort of Joey's voice. She closed her eyes to listen to it better, let it wrap her up like a blanket. She couldn't respond to him, but Julia said, "She's listening," and he kept going.

"I wish I was there right now. I know you've got Julia, but I just want..." He trailed off and collected himself. "It's so fucking hard, but you're so strong. Deep breaths, right? In." He paused, and she did it. "Out." She blew the breath out, feeling a little steadier already. He repeated that a few times, enough for her to be able to do it on her own, and she finally nodded at Julia, who squeezed her shoulder and then quietly left the room.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, voice thick with tears.

"Don't ever be sorry," he said immediately, but she could hear the relief in his voice. "I'll always be here if you need me."

"Mhm."

"I feel proud just to know you, to be able to consider you my best friend."

"I just stopped crying."

"Sorry," he said, and she giggled.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Of course."

"I hope you weren't doing anything important."

"Besides thinking about you?"

She was glad Julia was gone so she couldn't see her blush. "Very funny."

"I was just chilling," he said. She could practically see him, lying on his bed with one arm folded under his head.

"I miss you so much," she sighed.

"I miss you too. It's not the same without you here. You know I had to remind everyone to stay hydrated."

"Carrying on my legacy," she said. For a moment silence smothered the line. "Why does New York feel a million miles away?" she whispered.

She heard him sigh, before the creaking of his bedsprings. "Can you see the moon?"

She frowned, but climbed off her bed and went to the window, peering out across the rooftops where the moon hung in the sky, surrounded by a hazy glow.

"Yeah?" she said.

"I'm looking at the same moon right now."

"Oh my god, Joey," she groaned. "That's so fucking cheesy."

He laughed, but then his voice grew serious again. "Doesn't it make you feel more connected though?"

She let it weigh on her, and realised he was right. The silences down the phone usually separated them, creating a divide that physical presence normally filled. But the moon was a thread tethering them to each other across the distance between them, making it feel less insurmountable. In the great expanse of the universe, a few hundred miles didn't seem so far, and it reminded her how lucky they were to have found each other at all.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"I really wish it wasn't like this though," he said.

She sat back down on her bed, keeping the moon in her line of vision. "Me too."

"How are you feeling now?" he asked gently.

She pulled her pillow into her lap, wrapping herself around it. "Better. You make it so much better. It's just hard, going so long not seeing you."

"Do you want me to come out there?"

"Now?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"No," she said, shaking her head though he couldn't see it. "You can't do that. You have school."

"I would," he said, and it was too much for her to picture the earnestly sweet, concerned look on his face. "If you needed me."

"I know," she murmured. "But I'll be okay. I can wait until Christmas."

"Okay," he said, with some reluctance. "I can call you every day until then."

"You gotta get ready for your show," she smiled. "I'm a harsh critic."

"I'm really glad you're coming to see it."

"Me too."

"And I can't wait to hug you."

She bit her lip, knowing if she responded to that in her fragile emotional state her voice might collapse and the calm she had built up while talking to him would come crashing down.

"Are you tired?" he asked softly.

"Yeah."

"You think you can sleep?"

"Yeah," she said again. Lie.

"Okay. I'll let you go then."

"Okay," she whispered, savouring these last moments of his voice.

"Love you."

She closed her eyes. "Love you too."

"Bye, Lolo."

"Bye, JoJo," she whispered, and put down the phone. Fresh tears fell just as soon as she'd scrubbed the tear stains from her cheeks, and she curled up under her blanket fully clothed. Talking to him had made things feel okay again, for a little while, but how was she supposed to keep managing without him? It wasn't supposed to be this hard.