Right Place, Wrong Time

48. New Year, New Traditions

New Year's Eve. Another year gone, a year of huge change for Lauren. This year, she wasn't celebrating with her friends at school, or even with her family. She and Julia were throwing their own party in their apartment. But Lauren wasn't at the party. She had shut herself in her room, and she was crying.

There was a knock on her door, and Julia entered unprompted as usual. "Lauren, do you know where-" She stopped abruptly. "Oh, no."

Sniffling, Lauren moved over to make room on the bed. Julia shut the door behind her and came over to sit with her, putting her arms around her.

"What's going on?" she asked gently. "New Year blues?"

The introspection of it all was too much for Lauren at the best of times, the feeling that her life was flashing past year on year with nothing to show for it, but spending it without Joey only exacerbated it, because going into a year without him was bleak.

"I thought seeing him would make me miss him less," she said through another sob. "But it's just made it harder." Being back with him for those short few days had set her world right again, and she was spinning out of control now.

Julia tucked her further into the hug and Lauren let herself be comforted. As usual, she was grateful to at least have her friend. There was no way she could get through this completely alone. Another thing to add to the gratitude wall.

The volume in the rest of the apartment rose, audible through the closed door, and Lauren sat up a little.

"I'm making you a bad host," she said. "Don't let me ruin your night."

"Don't be silly," Julia replied, stroking Lauren's hair into place. "This is more important."

She forced a smile to her face. "I'll be fine. I just have to get over myself."

"You're allowed to miss him. He's your best friend."

"I still have you," Lauren said, squeezing her hand, still unable to acknowledge out loud just how much she really did miss Joey.

But Julia, no surprise, was persistent. "Do you know when you're going to see him next?"

Lauren shook her head. Joey had asked the same thing, and she'd kept her availability vague. If she acted on the current impulse of her heart, she'd be on another plane back to him right now, but if she was going to get through this without having her heart broken over and over each time she had to leave again, then she needed to adjust to the distance between them. And that meant staying away.

"Maybe I just need to put myself out there," she muttered to herself, though she could think of nothing worse.

Julia gave her a measured look, which could only be bad. "What?" Lauren said apprehensively, already on the defensive.

"That's really what you want?" Julia asked.

"It might stop me wanting what I can't have."

Julia nodded slowly.

Lauren chewed on her lip. "There's that guy from my work."

She'd thought for a while he might like her, and she'd ignored it entirely. Just before Christmas he'd asked her out, and Lauren had told him she'd think about it, with no intention at the time of ever saying yes. It was unfathomable, really, that she could go on a date with some guy when her heart loved Joey in a way she never knew possible. But she had told him to be open to finding someone else, and maybe that was what she needed to do too.

"Do you want to go out with him?" Julia asked.

"I guess," she shrugged.

"You could give it a chance," Julia said. "No pressure, just one date."

"Yeah," Lauren mumbled. It wasn't that big a deal. She could go on one date.

Julia wiped the tears from Lauren's cheeks, turning her face to the light to check for stray mascara smudges. "Do you want to join us?" she asked.

Lauren nodded. She didn't really, but the party wasn't that much more unappealing than staying in her bedroom alone, and it was a small step on the leap to putting herself out there.

And it felt better than she thought to be there celebrating with her New York friends, people who mattered to her. But it was still a relief to return to her room that night, not long after midnight. She got to wipe away the makeup and the pretence that she was okay.

She'd left her phone in her room, and when she picked it up now she saw she had a text from Joey, at midnight on the dot.

'Happy New Year. This party would be a lot more fun if you were here.'

How short lived the distraction had been. The sadness came crashing back into her, all the moments she was missing out on by being so far away from him. And she knew he'd had the best intentions when he sent it, but it made her feel again that they had to loosen the string that bound them before something snapped.

So instead of taking it as a conversation opener, where she might have stayed up another few hours talking to him, seeing him through the party on his end, she texted back a simple 'Happy New Year', then switched her phone off and went to sleep.

In spite of her relatively early night, she woke up late the next morning from a restless sleep, and went out to the kitchen to find Julia.

"I'm making brunch," she said brightly, while Lauren rubbed sleep from her eyes. "Want some?"

Lauren nodded, and pulled plates down from the cupboard. Apparently Julia was on top of it this morning, because a pack of gluten free bagels sat on the counter. Lauren sliced one for herself and put a regular one on a plate for Julia, then helped her take the rest of the food to the table.

"This is what I needed," she said, taking mouthfuls of the food like she hadn't eaten in days. "Thank you."

"I should have known food was the way to cheer you up," Julia teased, and Lauren couldn't help smiling.

"You know what?" she said, washing the crumbs down with a drink from her water bottle. "This should be our tradition."

"Brunch?" Julia said.

"Starting the year off with hangovers was for our early twenties. Now," Lauren said, gesticulating with her fork, "we have brunch."

"We are still in our early twenties," Julia said, pointing her fork back at her. "But okay. Brunch." She raised her coffee mug to Lauren's water bottle. "To new traditions."

They tapped them together. "And to trying new things."

Lauren still wasn't sure about this date thing, but she felt like she had to give it a go. She just wished Julia didn't also look so sceptical.