Secret Triangle | An ONF Fanfiction

Yuto

When I heard Seungjun's confession, I felt the need to put a hand on my chest to stop my heart from jumping out of it. The state of shock his words left me in was similar to the one I felt when we got arrested more than a year ago. And now, just a couple of weeks after we got released, I felt it again. But after the initial shock, I realized that it wasn't the same feeling. Of course it wasn't, the two situations were completely different.

But the second one left me breathless even more than the first.

At first, I thought I felt that way because it was such a sudden outcome. I was still tired and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. So when Seungjun mouthed those dazing words, I suddenly felt like I had just been hit by a bucket of freezing water. My senses started fully working again, my mind started thinking... or at least it was trying to. It didn't know where to go, what to do, what to focus on. Everything around me was starting to get fuzzy, confused. Suddenly all my senses were overwhelmed. The darkness was too bright. The silence was too loud. The smell of our old furniture was too intense. The taste of my own saliva was too strong. The surface of the table was too rough.
Everything around me was just too much. All I wanted to do was shut down and reset.

But soon enough, I calmed down. My mind got clearer, and my heartbeat, despite still being fast, was more regular. I'm simply not good at accepting heavy news. I was so close to completely freaking out, but something stopped me. Something that started arising again after hiding for a few weeks. Something deep within my heart. It brought me comfort, although if I think about it from a rational point of view now, it should have done the opposite.

That feeling... it wasn't new. I was able to cast it aside for a long time, bury it deep inside me and lock it in an unbreakable container, but Seungjun's words revealed themselves to be the key to unlocking it. Those words were about to bring it out, to show it to the world. But I didn't want to. Or, to put it better, part of me didn't want to.

At first, I felt as if two entities were fighting inside me. One of them was controlled by my brain, and it was desperately trying to keep this unspoken feeling inside, to keep it sealed forever. Meanwhile, the second entity was suddenly powered by Seungjun's words, and controlled by my heart, trying to free this feeling from its cage.

And the second entity was definitely in the lead.

So that's why. At that point I realized why Seungjun's confession hit so hard. It was because of this feeling that, inspired by his magical words, made its presence known within me again.

And I hated it because I was supposed to keep it secret.

But I also loved it, because I felt so relieved. I felt as if an insanely heavy weight just lifted off of my shoulders.

At that point, this fight going on at the very core of my being was useless. I let the rational part of me give up, as the emotional part finally took over, bringing this secret feeling afloat again. After such a long time, I was able to completely let go of any tension. I felt reborn. I felt at peace. Letting my heart do all the work for me felt like the right option at the time. And to be completely honest, it was the only option I had left. Keeping it in would have destroyed me from the inside. Still, would I now say it was the right option?

I don't think I'll ever have an answer to that. But it is too late to change the past.

As the feeling grew more and more, it got all the way up to my throat, and strung my vocal cords, letting out eleven shocking words that completely overturned the situation once again:

"Seungjun, you are not the only one who feels like that."