Secret Triangle | An ONF Fanfiction

Yuto

I tried. I really tried not to be too close to them. But when you live with someone like Seungjun and Jaeyoung, two boys who will never hesitate to shower you with love and affection, there is really not much I can do. Inevitably, my feelings for them grew even more in such a short span of time. I wasn't able to distance myself from them, it was an impossible task.

We had been working on the new key for a couple of weeks. We would go out very often to get materials, but it was hard to go together because of our colliding work shifts. And yes, we could have very well left our jobs, but we thought it would raise a lot of unnecessary suspicions. My working hours were a lot looser, as my parents knew about our plan and helped me by making my work shifts shorter and at reasonable hours, so that I could be home when both Jaeyoung and Seungjun were there as well.
Going out with them and seeing all those straight couples being able to display their affection in public without a worry in the world crushed me every time, more than I thought it would. Why can't I give a kiss on my boyfriend's cheeks in public? Why can't I walk with them hand in hand? Why can't I caress their cheeks and ruffle their hair? Society has always felt so unfair. I want to do those things too. But for some reason, even getting slightly closer to my partners already makes everyone else look at us with their eyebrows raised in suspicion.

I just wanted to get out of there. But I couldn't resist like that much more. Every time, after hours of being out with them, we would get home tired, and all I wanted to do was to finally hug them, finally kiss them, finally cuddle with them, finally show them and receive that affection I had been craving more and more as time went on.

I wanted to be free to do those things with them whenever. I only really felt alive when we were home, with our blinds down, laying down on our mattresses after a long and exhausting day, wrapped in a tight embrace. A light kiss on the nose, a gentle caress, a sweet word were all I needed to feel better. I felt like an outcast, someone that did not belong in that society in the slightest.

And then I realized, maybe a pause on our relationship would have really been the right thing to do, at least for me. But I did not want to break my boyfriends' hearts. I felt like I needed space but I also wanted to be with them at all times. I was in a weird gray area, where part of me needed a break, but the other was craving even more attention.

I ultimately decided to go live with my parents for a few weeks, until the key was almost ready. Seungjun and Jaeyoung often said I could stay home when they went out to get materials for the key, but I was always eager to join them, even though spending time with them "undercover" wasn't an easy task.
I felt terrible for leaving them alone, but after a long talk with them, they decided to let me go. They were sad, but I'm happy they listened. It pained me too to let them go, even just for a few weeks.
To explain my choice, I simply said I wanted to spend a bit more time with my parents before going to New World. Even though it was partially true, I felt like a liar. Because the main reason was another. The main reason was to distance myself from them and try to drown out my need for their touch, their warmth and their tenderness.

After I moved out, we kept in contact through phones, but our conversations were very casual, as they could have very easily been tracked by the government.

Did I feel better in that period without them? Yes and no. My need for physical contact might have died down, but I missed them like crazy. And I ultimately realized that what I missed the most was their presence, their voices, their laughs, their literal auras, so full of love for me and each other.
In the end, I learned some things about our relationship and understood what they really mean to me, so it definitely had its positive moments. But I will never not feel like a liar for not telling them the true purpose of the break. Maybe one day I would. All in all, the break was probably a good idea.

If only everything had gone well during it.