Cards Against Us All {HS}

-Chapter Forty Six-

Chapter Forty Six: *Deals with panic attacks, anxiety, self harm and violence*

Harry

Day 1 without Clara:

It had been a few days since Clara had snuck away and up and left. I didn't know why. Eerie scenario ran through my head. I questioned if it was something that I did or if it was something that I said but I couldn't think of anything.

I felt like my life had been turned upside down. Everything was turned around and I didn't like it one bit. I hated it in fact. Hate had always been such a strong word in my mind and I refused to use it more often than not but in this situation, I was willing to use it freely.

The first thing that I noticed after she had left was that her shoes weren't by the door. I was a very observant person so the fact that her shoes weren't there screamed to me that something was wrong. Then I rushed upstairs and her drawers were all pulled out as if she had been looking for something. It was so weird because usually she was so precise about everything being able to fit in the suitcases.

I stood there stunned for a few moments before I ran back downstairs and into the living room and I whispered, "she's gone." When I said those words I realised the full weight of them. My chest caved in and my breathing became restricted. I was having a panic attack and I knew that nobody was going to be able to help me stop it.

I stumbled into the kitchen and I managed to get myself a glass of water before my hands became too shaky for me to hold anything. I chugged that and I slammed the glass on the counter. I braced my hands on either side of my body on the counter edge and I hung my head heavily. I took in deep and shaky breaths but I could tell that I wasn't going to be able to avoid it.

I did the next best thing and I rushed outside and I slid down the wall. I took in the air through my nose through jagged breaths. I let out my breath but it quickly turned into a gasp when I realised that Clara was gone. She had disappeared and I had no idea where she went.

"Oh god." I cried out as I put my hands to my head, cradling it in the process. Everything that was going on was so much. The next thing I knew was Billie and Zayn standing at my side asking me what was going on. They each had a hand on my shoulders and while Billie was talking my ear off, Zayn was watching me with apprehension.

"Clara's gone. I don't know where but she's gone." I said in a low and melancholy voice. I pulled my legs up to my chest and I rested the side of my head on my knees. I was looking out into the garden. I barely had any clothes on and it was really cold but I hardly took any notice of that.

"What?" Billie asked immediately. She braced a hand on my arm as she pushed herself up. She ran inside and I heard her footsteps patter away.

"Zayn, did she leave me already?" I asked, vulnerably. I flashed my eyes up to his before looking back into the garden.

"No, Harry. She didn't leave you. Was there any note?" He asked me and I shook my head, muttering a small "no" before I turned back to the garden. It needed to be mowed, it was getting too long.

Soon after, Billie came back outside with the colour on her face completely drained. She let out a little sigh and she slid her back down the same wall that I was leant up against, sitting next to me. "Their room is a mess. It looks like bomb site."

"She's really gone?" I asked her, only lifting my eyes up to look at her. Billie slowly nodded and she looked really sad. My eyes fell to the ground in front of me and I felt vulnerable without Clara near me.

My eyes were focused on everything but nothing at the same time. One second I was being cuddled by the love of my life and the next seconds she's left. There was an ache in my chest and my skin felt like it was on fire.