Steel My Soul ✓

38 | Indigo

TW - this chapter is a bit dark...

C H A N C E Y

Complete silence dragged the air from inside my bedroom as I fixed my dress pants and tightened the belt around my waist. My fingers trembled as I buckled them. I scanned my room for the black button-up shirt I intended on wearing, but I couldn't find it. The black tie was sprawled on my chair that was across the room - on the opposite side of where it was supposed to be. 

I'd done that last night after they announced the funeral date was a day away - I made a mess of my bedroom. All the documents, files and stationary that once sat on my desk were scattered on the floor, marking the ground with remnants of the tantrum I threw. That wasn't the only thing that had been wrecked anyway. 

My heart felt like it was giving out. I felt like I was dying, and the sad part was that I didn't mind it. Because if dying meant seeing her again, I'd gladly go. 

But I had Jamie and Mum. And Indigo's mum. They needed me. 

Still, as I stared at the button-up shirt I finally recalled throwing on my bed, I didn't find it in me to move. Instead, my back found the farthest corner of the wall and I let myself sink to the floor. I didn't want to get back up. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to breathe, and I didn't want anything. 

I just needed her, and she was gone. 

Her absence left an empty pang in my chest, and it made me feel sick. My stomach ached and grumbled, reminding me I had to eat. The last time I did, I remembered the last time I had eaten with Indigo and realised she couldn't eat ever again. I sprinted to the bathroom and threw up the little contents I had left in my gut. 

The bottle of vodka I found in my mother's cabinet was sitting beside me. I'd stolen it last night when the grief had finally hit me. A week after her death. It took me a week to process Indigo's death, and when it hit me, it knocked me to the ground and beat me up so badly that I couldn't recognise my own thoughts anymore. 

I inched my fingers closer and closer to the bottle's neck, wanting to let the alcohol make me forget, just for a little bit. I needed to get past the funeral and I'd start getting better. I just needed help. The vodka was practically begging to be consumed. 

A knock on the door stopped my movements, and I let my head bang back against the wall in frustration. 

"Chance?" It was Gabriel. 

I didn't want to see him, so I ignored it. 

"Hey, man," Nelly's voice came calling next. "Let us see you."

I ignored it. 

"Let me see your face." 

I only wanted to see her.

"Chancey?" Minutes later, Jamie's smaller voice reached the other side of my door. "We're going to be late! She'll be upset if don't make it on time."

I covered my face and furrowed my eyebrows at the reminder that he'd also be going. He was too young. He shouldn't have to be surrounded by grieving people. It would be too much for him. 

"Mum says she'll see us from the sky, and if you're late, she'll see that too," He rambled, and I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. 

His little footsteps pattered away, and I released a frustrated breath. Yeah, I was reaching for that vodka by the time his footsteps were gone. I twisted the cap open and hoped it wasn't loud when it popped. When it did, I waited a few seconds before drinking straight from the bottle.