In the end

Chapter 40

Daisy's POV:

'This is not what I want'  he waves his arms around as I sit down looking at the floor.
I knew this day would come. And it has.
I'm keeping myself from crying but I cry anyway and my heart feels like it's aching.
'I'm sorry' I say but my words come out silent.
Why am I apologising?
I knew deep down it's not my fault but I feel useless.
Useless that I can't give him what he needs. What we need.
'Apologising doesn't take away the fact that it's been ten years and you still can't conceive'
My tears drop on my jumper and twirl around my finger.
'I know and I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do. The doctor said it can happen anytime now'
He shakes his head and laughs.
'The Fucking test is negative for six years in a row Daisy! How many times do I need to fuck you for you to get pregnant?'
I look up at him in disbelief and stand up.
'It's not my fucking fault that I came out like this ok! I wish I could give you what you want but it's not working. So stop mentally abusing me when I'm stressed enough about it!'
I ruffle with my hair and look away from him.
'I should've listened to my dad'
I look at him and I couldn't believe the words coming out from his mouth.
'I should've married ember'
My whole surrounding felt like a thick fog
'Are you kidding me?' I say but he doesn't look at me.
'You regret being with me after all your promises? After all the I love you's? After EVERYTHING?' I scream at him but he doesn't say anything.
I sit on the couch my palms on my face.
'Daisy I'm sorry'
'Get out' i say trying to keep calm and not scream
'Daisy I-' That was it.
'GET OUT JAX, GET OUT!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU OR HEAR SHIT FROM YOU! GET OUT!' I stand up screaming. My tears were covering my whole face that it started burning my face and eyes.

.........

I wakeup gasping, my breathing heavy as I look around.
I was in my bedroom.
'Babe are you okay?' I felt jax's hand still on my waist as he speaks to me in his tired voice.
I look at him and I couldn't control my tears.
That dream felt so...real.
'Shh' jax brings me to his chest and kisses my head.
'It was just a nightmare, your ok' his presence and voice comforts me in so many ways I can't describe but right now when he's doing it, all I can feel is sadness.
'I'm okay' I say wiping my tears away.
He looked concerned and held my hand but I pulled away.
'I'm gonna go wash my face I'll be right back' I say and stand up to go to the bathroom. I can't face jax, the nightmare I had changed the way I saw my future cause it somehow made sense.
I know jax. He won't react like that in the future when I can't have kids. But what if he does.
What if he gets fed up of the hopeless years of no kids and he gives up on me?
Why am I thinking of this? Why am I thinking of the future when there's years to come till then.
But that's the thing. The future is what I can only think about when it depends on me either making someone's future or keeping it away from them.

I go into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I wash my face and look into the mirror.
All I can see face to face is a girl who fails to be a proper woman.
A woman who can't conceive.
A woman who can't give the man she loves the future he needs.
A woman who will live to be alone.
My tears fall one by one with the running water flowing down.

A knock at the door snaps me out of my thoughts and I wipe my eyes knowing it's probably jax.
'Daisy?' His voice sounds concerned.
'I'm ok' I say assuring him but let's be honest, I'm not ok. I want to crawl into a ball under my running shower and just cry.
'Open the door' he says softly, so I do.
I don't look at him but his hands cup my face and bring my eyes to meet with his.
His eyes were glossy with worry.
'What's up with you babe?' He says keeping his hands still on my face.
'Nothing. It was just the bad dream' I say moving his hands away from my face.
He holds my hand and keeps me still from moving anywhere.
'Tell me what the dream was about' he says and it was my last straw till my tears start falling again.
I shake my head and look down, jax holds my waist and brings me to his arms.
His hug felt warm..like home.
'It's okay my love. It's okay' I rest my head on his chest and cry.