How Not to Vampire - Season 2

19: Symphony of Heartless Destruction and Other Sad Songs

Pro-Tip for Vampires #111: Some things are better left in the past, especially ex-girlfriends.

By the time we— correction: I, got to Jamie's house, Ibrahaim had got a good sulk going and was mostly leaving me alone, which is harder than you might think, you know, with us sharing the same head. Wait, did I say Jaime's house? Another correction: the alley behind Jamie's apartment.

This is not the place of drinking that you promised, Ibrahaim hissed in my brain. You promised a bevy of buxom barmaids eager—

"—to do our sexy, sexy bidding," I finished for him. "Yeah well, plans changed buddy-guy." I peered up at Jaime's back window, surprised to see a light on.

In case you're somehow imagining the type of alley you see in the movies, let's get that out of your head right now. This alley was more of a very narrow road between the buildings that faced onto the front of the Danforth, and the suburban houses that existed in the rest of the area. Jamie had moved into an apartment above a restaurant, so that part your imagination got correct. It was one of the many Greek restaurants in the area, located on the first floor. Two floors of apartments were located directly above, accessed by a completely unremarkable door at the front of the building that might as well have been invisible; that's how unremarkable it was. If you did manage to find the door, then you would have to navigate the suspiciously narrow and precarious stairs that threatened a world of pain to anyone trying to move a reasonably sized couch, up, down or generally anywhere in the vicinity. Those stairs lead to the two floors of apartments.

The advantage of this setup was that Jamie was on the third floor with the rest of the restaurant continuing onward to the back alley. So her balcony looked out onto the roof of the restaurant, which technically speaking, was her backyard... but only if she was very, very quiet. One of the other residents had already set up some plastic chairs and there was a badly covered, but currently abandoned grill in this "backyard", just waiting for summer so it could be useful again.

You are a slave to your emotions, Ibrahaim observed. How many times have you been here?

I flushed from embarrassment, and tried to shake it off, but Ibrahaim only chuckled drily. Yes, I've been here before many times. Sorry to admit it, but it is my deep shame. Sometimes driving by and hoping to catch a glimpse of Jaime was enough. It's pathetic, I know, but emotions are complex and Jamie was the one good thing in my life that I didn't want to let go of.

Ibrahaim surged forward and before I knew what was happening, my body actually started to turn away, before I regained control. My left arm swatted at my face, but I somehow grabbed it with my non-traitorous hand.

"Stop that! This is important!" I commanded.

You grow stronger my young apprentice.

"What the fuck ever. Just be chill, okay?"

I waited a moment before I climbed onto the roof, Ibrahaim unusually quiet, but I knew this fight wasn't over.

There was someone already in my favourite spot.

I usually climbed up to the roof and found the shadowy spot in the corner right next to the air-conditioner exhaust unit. It offered the perfect view of Jaime's bedroom window, and the kitchen, all without being exposed to view. Except, tonight, my spot was already occupied.

I froze, my fangs instinctively clicking into place, adrenaline flooding my body. Ibrahim gleefully rushed to the front of my brain, ready to take over like the motherfucker that he was. And yet I didn't move. My vampire eyes had already adjusted to the dark, and I could see the tall familiar-looking Chinese man clearly, even before the sweet cloying scent of the clove cigarettes that he loved so much, assaulted my nostrils.