How Not to Vampire - Season 2

10. Normal is For Other People

Protip for Vampires #201: there are no starter kits.

It was the pee dream that got me out of bed, otherwise I might have just stayed there allowing myself to surrender to the deep exhaustion that ran deeper than ordinary muscle aches. You know the dream, the one where you find a pool or a tree or even a doorless toilet, and are overcome with the need to empty your bladder.. The dream is influenced by the pressure in your bladder and is either a warning or a prediction. Either way, it is the one dream that's guaranteed to come true.

Everybody knows the steps to this dance. Step one: roll out of bed, stagger to your feet like so, and do not open your eyes all the way or you'll begin to wake up properly. Step two: shuffle to the bathroom without moving any muscles you do not have to move in order to walk. Step two-b: ignore the apparition of a smiling Doreen since that is clearly part of the dream, and there is no way she is waiting outside the door. Step 3: fumble with the stupid goddamn draw-string on the stupid goddamn-pajama pants before yanking the front of the pants down. Step 4: urinate loudly and freely, feeling the relief flood through your body... and quietly pray that you actually did wake up, and this isn't part of your dream. Step 5: review Step 3, because you don't remember putting on any stupid goddamn pajama pants, so what the fuck?

I peeked around the corner of the bathroom door and sure enough, Doreen was still there, definitely not a hallucination. She smiled cheerfully as if all this invading my dream was perfectly normal. When she held out a brown McDonald's bag to me, I finally realized this was no dream. No normal human or vampire would dream about McDonalds.

"Did you dress me?" I accused as accusingly as possible.

"And I got you breakfast," she piped up, and then corrected herself: "Actually Claude came by and brought you breakfast an hour ago, but you just flipped him off, and he left, so here it is. Sausage and Egg McGriddle, right?"

I cautiously took the bag and extracted the promised sandwich, keeping a suspicious eye on Doreen the whole time. I was a little disappointed that Claude hadn't stuck around, but at the same time secretly relieved, because the awkward conversation about the vampire situation was not one I was looking forward to. I had decided to be stubborn in the face of reality and Claude was just going to talk some sense into me. Instead, all I had was this awkward conversation with Doreen. Yay?

"Thanks, but what are you still doing here?"

"Waiting for Beatrice," Doreen murmured, her face turning red as she glanced at her mural.

"Don't you have an apartment to go home to?" I pointed out.

"I-I can't go back there," Doreen's voice quavered. "That's Tanya's place, not mine. It's full of her stuff and... and memories. Not all good ones." She looked at me, her eyes bright and pleading. "Can't I just crash here until Beatrice comes back? I'll make myself useful. I'll even do your laundry or whatever. Stuff you can't do during the day anymore. You know, since you're a vampire and everything."

"Fine," I groaned. She had fixed up the place after all, and she was right about being useful. I might not want to be a vampire, but since I didn't appear to have a choice, there would probably be daytime needs. "You can stay," I conceded, "but not forever."

I bit into my sandwich, and flavour exploded into my mouth. I had only meant to take one bite, but found myself devouring the whole thing quickly as if I hadn't eaten in days. The sandwich had never tasted so delicious before with the beads of maple syrup complimenting the salty pork sausage so well, that I wanted to lick my fingers—