Daddy Issues

Be Not Afraid, mi Amore

Percy's POV) 

I've gotten worse over the past few weeks. I tried to keep up with the rest of my swim team, but I'm so lethargic now that I got kicked off today, which felt like an extra punch in the gut, because it's one of my favorite things, and it's being taken away from me because I'm not good enough at it anymore. And I feel guilty about it too, because as the coach has stressed, they all depended on me to pull through and lead them to victory, so now they'll surely lose, and it's my fault for dropping the ball last minute. It actually triggered a panic attack, the second one today. I have one pretty much every day now. I don't even tell my mom about them, I don't want her to worry about me. Besides, it's embarrassing to say that every time I see my ex girlfriend, I start to feel nauseous. I love her, I hate her, I miss her. And just thinking about her makes me wanna cry. 

And it's not just her, it's Piper. And it's not just those two, it's my whole friend group now. Because Leo and Jason are both so damn happy for them, and I wish I could be. But it still hurts. It hurts so fucking much. And they don't seem to understand that. Maybe they would if they knew the whole story, but... They don't. And that's good, I wouldn't want her exposed like that. But still, it hurts. So I push them away, I push everyone away. But one girl, on the other hand, won't leave me alone. And I don't particularly enjoy her company. Drew Ta-fucking-naka. I swear, she was put on this earth to flirt with every single guy she can. If I didn't know any better, I'd say her and Leo were a match made in heaven. And deep down, I know there's something deeper going on there, but honestly, I can't bring myself to care. I can't bring myself to care about anything anymore. 

My grades are slipping too, and my teachers have taken notice. Aside from dad, they haven't been particularly understanding or kind. Sternly disappointed at best, and outright cruel at worst. I feel like a little kid again, being berated by Ms. Dodds' shrieking voice, lamenting the loss of teachers' spanking privileges. Dad himself... I know he wants to help, but he doesn't understand what the problem is. Hell, I don't understand what the problem is. How can you be too sad to take a test? It doesn't make sense to me, and I'm the one experiencing it. How can I expect it to make sense to him? 

I claw at my arms, my legs too. Not deep enough to leave scars behind, thank god. I don't know how I'd explain those to my mother. 

Laying in bed before dinner, however, I overheard a conversation I'd never forget. 

"Paul, honey?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I... I'm really worried about Percy." 

"Oh, me too. I mean, I've seen kids go through emo phases all the time over the years, but they're usually over it by now." 

A long silence passed between them. 

"... What? What did I say?" 

"This isn't an emo phase, ok? I know an emo phase when I see one, and this isn't it." She snapped. "This could be serious!" 

"Hey, he's probably fine. Look, I know you think of him as your baby, but he's eighteen! He's an adult, he can figure this out on his own. You need to stop overthinking things." 

"Overthinking things? Paul, he barely talks to me, spends all his free time in his room, he doesn't even eat much anymore! He got kicked off the freaking swim team, you don't think that means anything!? This has been going on for two entire weeks, it... It's starting to look like depression." 

"Well, of course it looks like depression, but... Is it depression depression or just breakup depression?" 

"It's not just the breakup. It's... Everything. Every single one of his big stressors are being piled on him right now, and... School's one of them."